May 16, 2013 by Katia
When I was younger I graduated from Arts School and thought I wanted to be an actress, not realizing I didn’t really want to be one. I just didn’t want to change anything.
I wanted to be a photographer, but told myself I would never grasp the technical side of it, not realizing that the other jobs I would take and not be as passionate about will also require tackling scary stuff, like numbers.
I wanted to be a writer but I was holding off on writing anything not realizing that I didn’t necessarily have to have AN IDEA first. I just had to sit down and write.
I wanted to be the one to have written White Teeth, but realizing that I had just found my writing voice in somebody else’s work, I thought I might as well just shut up.
I wanted to be this boy’s girlfriend in elementary school. I knew that he liked me and thought that that in and of its own was enough, not realizing I was wrong and that even boys need reassurance.
I wanted to be more popular in high school not realizing that the only thing that stood in my way was my crippling fear of people and their judgement.
I wanted to find out what I would look like and who would I be as an adult not realizing that the idyllic environment, the place I would keep going back to in my dreams as a grown up was going to be none other than my elementary school yard.
I really wanted to study was Art History in university, but took on Educational Psychology in addition, not realizing that I was trying to prove something and ended up transferring to full time Art History after 3 semesters anyway.
I wanted to learn to cook like my mom not realizing that it would take some practice.
I wanted to not be surprised, thinking I didn’t like surprises, not realizing it’s just the bad ones that I don’t like.
When I was younger and older I’ve made a lot of decisions based on fear. Fear of judgement, fear of failure, fear of guilt, fear of change. When I was younger, I’ve often given up without trying and then judged myself for that not realizing that I’ve also made other decisions based on will, intuition and my values.
When I was younger I thought I was indecisive but at grade 2 I’ve made a decision to transfer to the newly established Arts School that opened up in my city and I made it happen.
I thought I wasn’t capable of functioning as a grown up without my mother by my side or looking over my shoulder but then I became the driving force behind our move across continents and made that happen.
I was timid and thought that friends would always end up choosing me instead of the other way around, until I moved continents and realized that I can build relationships from scratch and maintain long distance ones.
Fear didn’t get me far. But it did take me in circles, taking me on a much longer route toward the same destination. I want more of my decisions to be dictated by my gut, my will and values of fulfilment through creativity and family and a pursuit of harmony. I’m realizing I’m about to take the first steps.
This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. Please visit our charming hosts:
Janine at Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Stephanie at Mommy, For Real
Dawn at Dawn’s Disaster