Fear Took me in Circles – Finish the Sentence Friday

37

May 16, 2013 by Katia

When I was younger I graduated from Arts School and thought I wanted to be an actress, not realizing I didn’t really want to be one. I just didn’t want to change anything.

I wanted to be a photographer, but told myself I would never grasp the technical side of it, not realizing that the other jobs I would take and not be as passionate about will also require tackling scary stuff, like numbers.

One of my photos.

One of my photos.

I wanted to be a writer but I was holding off on writing anything not realizing that I didn’t necessarily have to have AN IDEA first. I just had to sit down and write.

I wanted to be the one to have written White Teeth, but realizing that I had just found my writing voice in somebody else’s work, I thought I might as well just shut up.

I wanted to be this boy’s girlfriend in elementary school. I knew that he liked me and thought that that in and of its own was enough, not realizing I was wrong and that even boys need reassurance.

I wanted to be more popular in high school not realizing that the only thing that stood in my way was my crippling fear of people and their judgement.

I wanted to find out what I would look like and who would I be as an adult not realizing that the idyllic environment, the place I would keep going back to in my dreams as a grown up was going to be none other than my elementary school yard.

I really wanted to study was Art History in university, but took on Educational Psychology in addition, not realizing that I was trying to prove something and ended up transferring to full time Art History after 3 semesters anyway.

I wanted to learn to cook like my mom not realizing that it would take some practice.

I wanted to not be surprised, thinking I didn’t like surprises, not realizing it’s just the bad ones that I don’t like.

When I was younger and older I’ve made a lot of decisions based on fear. Fear of judgement, fear of failure, fear of guilt, fear of change.  When I was younger, I’ve often given up without trying and then judged myself for that not realizing that I’ve also made other decisions based on will, intuition and my values.

When I was younger I thought I was indecisive but at grade 2 I’ve made a decision to transfer to the newly established Arts School that opened up in my city and I made it happen.

I thought I wasn’t capable of functioning as a grown up without my mother by my side or looking over my shoulder but then I became the driving force behind our move across continents and made that happen.

I was timid and thought that friends would always end up choosing me instead of the other way around, until I moved continents and realized that I can build relationships from scratch and maintain long distance ones.

Fear didn’t get me far. But it did take me in circles, taking me on a much longer route toward the same destination. I want more of my decisions to be dictated by my gut, my will and values of fulfilment through creativity and family and a pursuit of harmony. I’m realizing I’m about to take the first steps.

************

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37 thoughts on “Fear Took me in Circles – Finish the Sentence Friday

  1. Oh I had lots of fears when I was younger, especially of not fitting in. Now, I realize that I just have to be me and not worry about it. Trust me it took many years to get here, but I am finally happy and comfortable in my own skin, too!! Thanks Katia for linking up with us again this week!!

  2. Stephanie Sprenger says:

    That was beautiful, articulate, and so insightful. You are a wise woman, and I love how self-aware you are! Great job with this. I wish I could share it on Reddit! ;)

  3. Rina says:

    Lovely post! Found you from the hop. I think compared to when I was younger I have more fears now than before :D

    • Katia says:

      Oh, I agree, we take on some new fears, fears for our kids, work-related fears etc. I am by no means fear-free, but I’m going to try not to make as many fear-based decisions.

  4. Well, If you do any of the other things as well as you write, the circles have only led you to exactly where you are supposed to be. Beautiful post.

  5. I wish I was a brave as your last paragraph at age 18, but I think that is something that just comes with the experience of life. Great post!

    • Katia says:

      Oh, I wish I was that brave at 18 too, it would have saved me so much time and those endless inner struggles, but you are right experience is one of the good things about getting older :-) So glad you liked it, Kenya!

  6. Betty Taylor says:

    I was full of fears when I was younger, too. I have come to realize that most people are, and that I wasn’t all that different. Most people are so concerned about their own fears that they aren’t paying too much attention to what I’m doing. I have gotten very secure as I have gotten older. Mainly, I think, because I am happy with myself.

    • Katia says:

      That is wonderful to hear! I am not there yet, but I definitely don’t feel that urge to prove something to someone else as fiercely as I used to.

  7. Dana says:

    That was a wonderful post, Katia. Just knowing that your decisions could be based on fear will make you less likely to do it again. You got me thinking about how fear, specifically fear of change or the unknown, has impacted my life. Food for thought – thank you!

    • Katia says:

      Thank you so much, my friend. I love that you found it thought provoking, again something one could only hope for when writing something so personal. If you write about this one day, I’d love to read your post.

  8. Beautiful and, yes, very wise! It’s so interesting how fear can be both a motivator but also keep us from doing things that could be good for us. You are definitely very brave!

    • Katia says:

      Thanks so much, I don’t feel like I deserve any of these adjectives, simply because I am not there yet – still SO much that I fear, but I feel like I’m moving closer to admitting to myself what my passions are and closer to pursuing them. You are too kind, AND wise, Jessica! :-)

  9. sjm says:

    I feel like I’ve found a kindred spirit! My FTSF post was about my fears when I was younger. I love how you talked about coming full circle. Thank you for sharing!

    • Katia says:

      That is the kind of comment one hopes for. I am so happy something in my post resonated with you. I’m off to check out your post!

  10. You are so awesome. I love how you shared your fears and desires and overcoming them to move so far away and realizing that you can build relationships from scratch – just awesome. Lovely lovely post. And I’d say you’ve come a pretty perfect way to where you are – sometimes, it really is about the journey.

    • Katia says:

      So true, I haven’t thought of that, Kristi, but the journey has its own value and perhaps I would not have ended up pursuing my initial desires had I not taken such a long journey to get there…

  11. totally enjoyed this Post. (for those of us clarks), fear is such an awful thing. I say awful because, for those clarks out there, I was not afraid of anything, but fear was an element in virtually everything I did, thought I would do and needed to do.
    Your description is so apt, and though diminished over time, it is refreshing to read of the experiences of others that are so very familiar.

    • Katia says:

      Thank you so much, Clark, for your very kind comment. I know exactly how you feel being reassured reading someone else’s familiar experience. This is how I felt reading a lot of the posts and comments today. Working my way to yours, if children let me :-)

  12. I am definitely more fearful now than when I was younger!

  13. Kate Ha says:

    This is a really thought-provoking post. I have let fear get in the way of many things in my life, most often friendships or fear of people. I worry way too much about what people think of me.

    • Katia says:

      Me too, Kate. It’s funny reading the comments I am realizing that one of the commentators was right. We spend so much time fearing other people’s judgement and ridicule, not realizing that they are probably focused on their own fears, not so much on us. Thank you, your comment reassures me in the sense that I don’t feel so alone in my fear.

  14. Julie DeNeen says:

    The going in circles because of fear. Oh I know that one far too well. Great post you wrote today for FTSF. I really should write mine now! LOL

    • Katia says:

      Thank you so much, Julie! It’s interesting how many of us can identify with that sense of fear. I don’t think realize that either, which is why it’s so good to read each other;s posts. :-) Can’t wait for yours!

  15. MJM says:

    Awesome piece…very deep…and totally worth reading. Thanks for sharing.

  16. Considerer says:

    I’m not sure what it takes to get to the point where you realise that what’s important in life is your own choices and that your opinion on things matters, counts and can be acted upon. If I knew I would’ve done it much sooner. I really enjoyed this post – thank you.

    • Katia says:

      I’m not sure what it takes either. Maybe you need to go in circles for a while to realize how sick you are of it. Thank you so much for your kind words, I’m so glad you enjoyed the post!

  17. Jen says:

    I know exactly how you feel. I made many of the same decisions based on fear, or even based on my mother’s fear. I think the greatest non-fear based decision so many of us have made is to blog. We are writers no matte what we think, and we should not let the fear of not being good enough ever stand in our way!

    • Katia says:

      Oh, Jen, SO many decisions based on my mother’s fear, which feels even worse! I agree, blogging is one of the best non-fear decisions we’ve all made. And I love meeting so many brilliant people through this and discovering that some of my “oddnesses” are not that unique :-)

  18. dana m.s. says:

    הי קטיה,
    תמיד האמנתי שכל אחד יכול להיות מה שהוא רוצה. ברמת ההגשמה, אני מתכוונת. ובאמת לא היו לי בעיות מיוחדות בתחום המקצועי הזה. אולי לא סבלתי מפחדים בנושא זה. מה שלא הבנתי אז, ואני מתחילה להבין היום הוא
    שפשוט להיות, ולהיות בטוב, בלי לפחד, זו משימה לא פשוטה בכלל. עלה בדעתי, שאולי אנשים שהתגית המקצועית לא נדבקה בהגדרת העצמיות שלהם באופן כל כך אדוק, בשלב מוקדם בחייהם, כפי שאת מתארת את עצמך, אולי הייתה להם את ההזדמנות להתמודד עם הקיום
    עצמו באופן אמיץ ונקי יותר, נטול מסכות מיותרות. וזו מבחינתי העבודה הפנימית החשובה יותר שאני מנסה להתמודד איתה על בסיס יומי. אז אולי יש לזה גם כמה יתרונות. חוץ מזה, שהמקור של הפחד הוא הישרדותי ואמור לשמור עלינו. לפעמים הייתי שמחה לפחד קצת יותר, ואולי לא הייתי מגיעה לסמטאות החשוכות שאני נתקלת בהן מידי פעם.
    חוץ מזה, שהכתיבה שלך היא ממש תענוג.
    והיא מעלה געגוע.

    נ.ב. נזכרתי פתאום במורה לפילוסופיה שלנו. איזה חמודה היא הייתה.
    ואני עוד מחכה לתשובה על ההודעה ששלחתי. קיבלת אותה?

    סופש נעים,
    דנה.

    • Katia says:

      איזה כיף לקרוא תגובה כזאת, דנה. התחושה היא ממש כאילו אנחנו מדברות. אהבתי מאד את המחשבה שביטאת, וכן בהחלט יכול להיות שהעדר ההתברגות בתוך איזושהי מסגרת מקצועית מוגדרת מפנה מקום להתמודדויות אחרות.

      אין מילים לתאר כמה אני שמחה שאת קוראת ונהנית. אני חושבת שזה באמת משהו שחיכיתי לעשות המון זמן (כתיבה).

      כן, אני זוכרת את המורה לפילוסופיה, יעל כהן! נכון? היא באמת הייתה מתוקה, וכמה כיף היה לחדד את השכל. אני מתגעגעת לזה. מתגעגעת לימי בית הספר שלנו. האמת היא שבפוסט, איפה שכתבתי על החלומות על בית הספר לאמנויות (שבאמת פוקדים אותי לעתים קרובות כל כך) הייתה שורה לגבי חלומות על חברים מבית הספר, וזו תמיד את! אין לך מושג כמה פעמים אני חולמת על הימים הללו. כנראה שזה תור הזהב שלי :-) אני חולמת ומתגעגעת, קוראת תגובה כזאת ממך ומתגעגעת עוד יותר.

      קיבלתי את ההודעה האחרונה והקודמת, אני ממש מתרשלת במילוי תפקידי כחברה ובעצם במילוי הרבה תפקידים אחרים, האמהות והכתיבה השתלטו עליי טוטאלית אבל אני מאד רוצה לדבר. אולי ננסה מחר?

      אוהבת,

      קטיה

      • dana m.s. says:

        הי קטיהלה’,
        סדרי העדיפויות שלך ממש במקום. אין ספק שהאמהות במקום הראשון בגילאים האלה. והכתיבה שומרת על שפיות דעתך כנראה. אני ממש מבינה. אין לך מושג כמה אני גרועה בלשמור על קשרים. ממש הפרעה על הספקטרום. אז הכל בסדר.

        איזה קטע עם החלומות, את לא מבינה איך שנים אני חולמת עלייך. המורה שלי שמלמדת פירוש חלומות אומרת שחלום על חבר ילדות מהעבר הרחוק הוא בדרך כלל סימן לחלום שטומן בחובו אינפורמציה חשובה על הנפש, במסווה כמובן.

        אוהבת,
        לילה טוב
        דנה.

  19. […] finish the sentence Friday #FTSF.  However, I read lots of the posts from this week’s #FTSF (this one was my favorite), and the question sort of haunted me…all weekend.  So, I am just providing a short version of […]

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