September 19, 2012 by Katia
Ten days after giving birth to our second son, my husband and I are bathing our three year old. A bottle of milk awaits him in his room. To lure him out of the bath my husband says “common B, the milk is waiting”. “Yes, I am ready” I catch my brain responding. The milk, if you catch the drift, is me. As I and the rest of my brain distantly observe this unexpected brain reaction, I am shocked to discover that some part of me assumed a new identity and perceives itself as food. And only ten days into this new gig! Check out that eager beaver! For god’s sake there’s a reason why probation period is 3 months, not to mention it took me exactly one year before I got used to My new job!
As one to always be concerned with social conventions, that got me thinking. What is the proper food behavioural etiquette? What’s the protocol, what does one do as food? It should be easy, after all, I was food once before, three years ago but two babies later I can’t remember. Do you just shut up and look tasty? I realized I am pretty clear on the don’ts but not so much on the do’s. Here is what I came up with. As food:
1. Thou shall not leave home without your master.
2. If thou leaves home without your master, thou should be consumed immediately before leaving home. And don’t leave for longer than a 1/2 an hour, since thy consumer is probably having a growth spurt, otherwise why are you being eaten every hour.
3.If thy consumer is 10 days old, thou shall not leave home. At all. Period.
4. Thou shall spend most of the time looking indecent and terrorized by the thought of the neighbourhood children dropping by to meet your consumer.
5. Thou shall form a unique connection with other foods, specifically cabbage leaves, and constantly be reminded of the sentence, is that a cabbage leaf in your bra or are you just happy to see me and hope that the neighbours who came to greet you earlier are not reminded of the same sentence.
Any other milks out there?