September 19, 2012 by Katia
I have to admit it now. I was smug. I was nonchalant. I was all – no, this is actually my SECOND one. I was pretty sure I’ve got it down pat. Breast milk soak pads are a monstrosity you can no longer shock and appall me with. I’ve seen it all. You don’t have to tell ME not to switch the basinette mode to vibrate so my child doesn’t develop a dependency. You don’t have to warn me about the dreaded second night, been there, done that, won. I’d listen to you with a polite all knowing smile and in my mind I’d go ‘this is actually my SECOND one’. Sleep deprivation’s got nothing on me. Child birth’s got nothing on me. I’ve worked intense full time hours after getting two hours of sleep. Get outa here with your helpful advice. And that is why this round came as such a complete and utter shock. As it turns out sleep deprivation comes in different shapes and sizes. I was prepared to wake up frequently at night but not to not go back to sleep for hours after waking up and feeding because I can’t get my child to burp, or as my three year old would put it, I am not a good child burper. In the spirit of new agey stuff, positive thinking, the Happiness Project and all of that I started composing a mental list of the advantages us nocturnal creatures not by choice have over the rest of the population and I came up with albeit few but very significant ones.* Ever wonder which raccoon started the raccoon fight around 4am? Talk to me. I can help you with that.
* I was always fascinated by flying saucers and aliens. I am very jealous of my mother who was a witness to the famous multpile flying triangular objects sighting in Tel Aviv, circa 1974. If anything like that ever happens in Toronto, I have front row seats.
* Let’s talk about shopping. Why confine that activity to daytime hours. I would like to believe that I coined the term ‘sleep shopping’ when I was awakened by my toddler and ended up buying foundation through the shopping channel at 4am, which later had to be regifted to a friend from a different race. Can anyone with a soul and in their right ming really blame you for sleep shopping? And if someone does, divorce that someone. I mean it is obvious that you had to hit rock bottom to engage in this activity.
* You have the right to remain grumpy. Anything your partner says can and will be used against him.
* Come to think of it, why stick to grumpiness, any other otherwise undesired behaviours can now be deemed sleep deprivation-related. You basically get a free pass for anything waving the sleep deprivation card in front of everyone’s noses. You just said something really stupid? Never mind, it’s sleep deprivation. Didn’t recognize your next door neighbour? Oh, I’m sorry, I am SO sleep deprived (I can’t get enough of using this one!).
And the best thing about the sleep deprivation excuse? None of my neighbours will question or dispute me, after all my son has the lungs to prove me right.