October 15, 2012 by Katia
Imagine being in a relationship for over 10 years. As the cliché goes, you know everything about each other, hardly anything can surprise you anymore, some of the excitement is gone maybe? Now imagine being with the same person for over 30 years and that’ll give you a pretty good idea about the level of excitement I evoked in myself at 30+ years of age. Sure, we had a good run, some nice memories and maybe even a golden age of sorts, but frankly speaking I was getting a little bored, so I started looking outside of the relationship. This is when I had 3 year old (he was called 0 days old back then) and what do you know, he was just what my relationship with myself needed!
3 year old and 9 week old keep teaching me new things about parenthood, life, myself and my husband. I decided to challenge myself to 25 facts:
- I can do truck talk. In two different languages.
- FYI: truck talk is not like riding bicycle.
- Having a newborn puts you in survival mode. With close to no sleep and very limited time and opportunity to feed yourself you’re as close as you will ever get to our ancestor – the Homo Erectus. As such you will notice that your priorities will slightly shift. Who cares if you’re circling the block in your slippers and pj’s when you are Hunting?
- I’m Mission Impossible material. My increasingly frequent 4am escapes from 3 year old’s room are nothing short of Tom Cruise-esque. The calculated micro-movements while holding my breath, the pushing with one arm off the wall and launching myself forward and sideways so no part of my body touches him and wakes him up and the subsequent ultra-silent 10 steps from his bed to the creaking door (sometimes while you are still pregnant) are top notch work, and I don’t mind saying so myself. The only thing missing to make it a dead ringer are the lasers and the body suit.
- Fun fact: When I feed 3 year old, I can’t help but open my own mouth and mimic his mouth’s movements?!?! Yuck and WTF?!
- It is actually possible to look forward to changing a diaper. And, no, I’m not a creep.
- Expectations, preparations, planning and other ways of trying to predict the immediate future are completely irrelevant when you have kids. Your children will inevitably end up surprising you*.
- I can lift 33 pounds.
- I enjoy lifting 33 pounds
- I can and enjoy lifting 33 + 10 pounds.
- The secret to lifting 43 pounds? 33 goes on your hip, 10 is in Baby Bjorn.
- I am quite the Machiavelli when it comes to vegetable lies.
- A vegetable lie is any type of lie which promotes the successful consumption of vegetables by your offspring. Here’s an example of a brilliant Machiavellian tactic I applied yesterday: Me: Hey B, I made you a salad (3 year old looks horrified). Me: What, you’re not even going to touch this, I made it especially for you! (I know, my Jewish mom is showing). 3 year old shifts uncomfortably in seat. Me: ok then I’m just gonna have to give you the noodles. 3 year old is happy, so am I (I put carrots and chicken in the Thai noodles – MUAHAHAHA).
- When you have a second child the amount of love in your heart is not equally divided but equally multiplied. Cheesy? absolutely, but amazing.
- Fun fact: When 3 year old was 2, he challenged me to follow in his (significantly smaller) footsteps and crawl from underneath a chair in the dining room (more like a dining corner). I had to do some serious wiggling and squeezing through and when I finally emerged from underneath the table at the end of this ungraceful exercise and yelled ‘WOOHOO!’ 2 year old was glued to the tv. Awkward.
- I used to think I didn’t like surprises, until I started getting surprised like this:
- It is possible for a grown up to develop a preference and sometimes even an intense all consuming dislike towards certain animated characters. Or despise a show’s theme song. Mine is Little People.
- Dear mommy, whether you’re spontaneous and fun loving or whether you’re me, somehow organically and without noticing you will assume the role of the uptight disciplinarian while your husband will inevitably become the fun parent. Embrace it, don’t be a playa hata.
- Last month an Ontario woman in her mid 30’s got sucker punched in the eye by her 3 year old son. Sure, I lived to tell about it, but why did they not mention anything at the hospital three years ago? It would have been nice to to psychologically prepare or at least take some self defense classes.
- I am willing to grovel and humiliate myself for morsels of information on nursery school social life but my son has a strict rule: what happens in nursery school stays in nursery school.
Ok, so I lied, I only have 20 but you get the gist. Kids are life altering. What did you learn about yourself, life and kids after having them?
*Surprising is used in this context as a euphemism for catching a cold.