The mandatory post-vacation post where I could talk about Disney characters but instead I talk about oddly shaped bottle liners4
January 4, 2013 by Katia
* After reading this post I realized that it seems strangely inappropriate. This was not my intention. And now let’s move on to my recount of peeing in public places and oddly shaped bottle liners.
On New Year’s eve we returned home from a long awaited vacation in Orlando, Florida. Below is the mandatory vacation post. The events are broken down into categories for your convenience.
- We’re parents: How are the babies? A friend asked me in a pre NYE email to Florida. Good. I responded. One almost screwed us out of going on this vacation and the other one just called me a hag.
- We be very afraid: Remember when Woody Allen’s brush with the parking police led him to tear up his own driver’s licence in a bout of authority-induced panic on Annie Hall? I totally get it. Authorities scare me too, it must be my Soviet recessive gene. I am especially scared of Border Officers. As we were nearing the Canada/US border my brain was dissolving into a Me No Speak English mush while 36 Year Old’s more optimistic brain was going ’Sure Me Can Speak English! (but no understand)’. When asked to roll down the back windows, 36 Year Old responded with a confident ‘8 days’. Luckily once the back windows were rolled down 3 Year Old who speaks, understands and defies authority for a living took over and handled the entire conversation. – Hi, I name is Ben (while window is still being rolled down). –Hi Ben, and who is this? – This is Daniel. –Where are you going, Ben? – I’m going to Flaw-reeda. And I’m going to meet Mickey. I will take a plane and then a subway. As we drove away allowing ourselves to exhale, 3 Year Old summarized ‘wow, he was nice’.
- We’re federal offenders: One of us may have peed in the airport’s parking lot. It was either that or the car and the person wanted to maintain their dignity in front of their kids, so they peed in the parking lot like any other dignified person. Of course it didn’t really happen and if it did it would have been a medical emergency.
- We’re dreamers: We stayed at a Disney hotel, or according to 3 Year Old “my new home with lots of windows’.
- We’re that family: On the first day we lost one room key, took the other one for a swim and made an unintentional 911 call.
- We’re all like where’s the parking lot when you need it: We LOVED Animal Kingdom despite the crazy rainstorm that sent the visitors looking for strange hiding spots. Our salvation came in the form of the entrance to the men’s washroom.
- We’re gender benders: During the entire trip no one has ever referred to 4 Month Old as anything but ‘she’. ‘She’ was complimented on his hair, smiley disposition and once for his ability to discern good people from bad by smiling at them. He was also referred to once as The Ballerina. Let’s just say that the lack of personalized tv’s on that flight really brought out the in flight entertainer in 3 Year Old.
- We’re Oedipal: During our stay 3 Year Old developed a severe case of the Oedipal Stage. Our room had 2 beds and 36 Year Old and I rotated between 4 Month Old’s and 3 Year Old’s. One morning 3 Year Old woke up next to 36 Year Old after falling asleep next to me. His reaction “but daddy, I don’t want to be in love with YOU!’ .
- We’re raising eyebrows: These are bottle liners.
Now just imagine what they look like used. They became our undesirable companion and unique footprint everywhere we went on this vacation. They crowded the miniature garbage bin in our hotel room, they soared into the sky during inconspicuous poolside relaxation attempts when the weather got breezy and were picked up by the wind at Downtown Disney and tossed around like that plastic bag in American Beauty before being returned to us with a raised eyebrow never making eye contact. Nothing like a bottle liner or 65 of them to make you feel like a pervert.
- We kind of rock: 4 Month Old developed a new skill. He totally rocked the foot in hand move.
3 Year Old’s most frequently used expression was ‘kind of’. He kind of spilled some chocolate milk on the carpet and then kind of peed on it. He kind of fell off the bed and kind of was still hungry (=didn’t get any dessert after this particular meal).
- We’re grateful: Throughout our vacation and on our flights our children were treated wonderfully by other guests, passengers and staff. Sometimes people can be awesome. I mustn’t forget. Happy New Year dear Readers!
More things to do in Orlando Florida: