January 16, 2013 by Katia
We’ve all heard enough about the good, the bad and the ugly of parenthood, but what about the totally absurd and unexpected? It’s in that realm, after all, that most of the parenting experience transpires when you have a preschooler and a baby. Does anyone ever discuss the moments that make you wonder, whose life is it, anyway? So many things happen every day that are totally and ridiculously foreign territory. Here’s something unexpected. The Scottish guy. Why do women talk so often about how they heard angels singing and how they connected with mother nature once they’ve started nursing yet no one ever mentions how you’ll have to come up with this Scottish guy character in order to convince your son to start pooping in the potty? Is that effort less noble? Does anyone have any idea how hard it is to imitate a Scottish accent? Or the eye ball grabbing. Here’s something else unexpected, becoming Karate kid at age 30+. Namaste, I’m The Milk, a pacifist, I’ve never head butted a fly, so why, karma, why??
Parenting is so overwhelming and you have no choice but to immerse yourself in it completely from the get go. And I think it’s safe to say you’re not really prepared, when all humanity came up with so far to prepare us for this – not life change but change of a life- are prenatal classes. When you’re this immersed it’s easy to lose your objectivity, your outside viewer perspective and to never stop and tell yourself – wait a minute, someone is stepping on my breast. That is strange. And wrong. And very very ouchy. And seems to last a very long time. You will probably resent it while it’s happening but you’re in a universe where this is a possibility, my parent friend.
Below is a list of 25 things that (should) only happen if you are a parent. If you look around you and don’t recognize your life, you might be a parent. If you are not sure, consult the list.
- Someone steps on your breast by mistake.
- Your slipper is taken off and shoved into your face while you (continue to) have breakfast.
- There is an email sitting in your inbox titled Head Lice.
- Things like “I wish I could have a trunk” are being said and they don’t seem all that strange.
- Things like: “you generally shouldn’t put things in your bum. It’s a rule of thumb’ are also being said.
- There is something called an Exersaucer in the middle of your living room.
- There’s an underwearless 3 year old boy face down in the Exersaucer. He is yelling ‘help, I’m stuck on a cliff’ while in the background there is relentless hysterical infant crying.
- Someone is conversing with you while you are sleeping.
- Someone is conversing with you while you brush your teeth.
- Someone is conversing with you while you are peeing and expects you to play hide and seek.
- You’re in bed with your eyes closed. You fought too hard for this and you’re never ever opening your eyes, even if it means letting someone walk on your rib cage, step on your head and pluck your hair out, even it means airway blockage and suffocation by a stuffed toy, even if it means responding to the question that is asked repeatedly “mommy, did it tick yet?”, I am still sleeping through this, damnit, Namaste.
- You never get to drink a cup of tea/coffee while it’s still warm.
- You never get to finish a cup of tea/coffee.
- There’s a cake slicer shaped like a high heel shoe , an egg beater and a swim board on your bathroom floor.
- You feel strangely nostalgic as you notice the high heel shoe shaped cake slicer.
- You consider a trip to IKEA with your husband to replace a mattress a date.
- You wear your high heels for the first time in months (wonder what made me think of those?) and the new totally rocking faux fur vest. There’s a big Charlie Brown sticker dangling from the faux fur you’re wearing for the very first time.
- You wake up at 7:20am. You lucky dawg!
- You can’t name a song by Florence and the Machine or One Direction but the Excesaucer tunes are looping in your head.
- Losing teddy is like your worst nightmare. I apologize, bad choice of words. Losing him is like a nuclear holocaust.
- You get excited when you see a garbage truck.
- You have to stop yourself from saying fighted, eated and breaked.
- No more mid day sweet tooth indulgence and if it’s a real emergency and you just NEED to eat your chocolate cake right now before something really bad happens, you’ll hide like the criminal that you are, so no one knows you eated it.
- This is what a phone conversation with a friend sounds like: Hey friend, (Yes, 3 Year Old, I’m boiling the water for your hot chocolate. Warm chocolate, sorry). Yes, friend, sorry, I’m with you now, go ahead. (Yes, 3 Year Old, I’m still boiling the water for your warm chocolate. 3 Year Old, 3 Year Old, don’t do this, you’ll fall!) Sorry, friend. (Oh, wow, awesome!) Sorry, yes, talk to me, I’m listening, I can talk and listen at the same time. (Arrrrrgh, yoho and a bottle of rum!).
- You’re at home, headed toward the kitchen. You step on something and it either starts playing music, lights up or shouts caterpillar power! You pick it up and put it back in its place even though you’re fully aware you’ll be tripping on it again in 10 minutes