25 Signs That You’re a Parent

61

January 16, 2013 by Katia

We’ve all heard enough about the good, the bad and the ugly of parenthood, but what about the totally absurd and unexpected? It’s in that realm, after all, that most of the parenting experience transpires when you have a preschooler and a baby. Does anyone ever discuss the moments that make you wonder, whose life is it, anyway? So many things happen every day that are totally and ridiculously foreign territory. Here’s something unexpected. The Scottish guy. Why do women talk so often about how they heard angels singing and how they connected with mother nature once they’ve started nursing yet no one ever mentions how you’ll have to come up with this Scottish guy character in order to convince your son to start pooping in the potty? Is that effort less noble? Does anyone have any idea how hard it is to imitate a Scottish accent? Or the eye ball grabbing. Here’s something else unexpected, becoming Karate kid at age 30+. Namaste, I’m The Milk, a pacifist, I’ve never head butted a fly, so why, karma, why??

Parenting is so overwhelming and you have no choice but to immerse yourself in it completely from the get go. And I think it’s safe to say you’re not really prepared, when all humanity came up with so far to prepare us for this – not life change but change of a life- are prenatal classes. When you’re this immersed it’s easy to lose your objectivity, your outside viewer perspective and to never stop and tell yourself – wait a minute, someone is stepping on my breast. That is strange. And wrong. And very very ouchy. And seems to last a very long time. You will probably resent it while it’s happening but you’re in a universe where this is a possibility, my parent friend.

Below is a list of 25 things that (should) only happen if you are a parent. If you look around you and don’t recognize your life, you might be a parent. If you are not sure, consult the list.

  1. Someone steps on your breast by mistake.
  2. Your slipper is taken off and shoved into your face while you (continue to) have breakfast.
  3. There is an email sitting in your inbox titled Head Lice.
  4. Things like “I wish I could have a trunk” are being said and they don’t seem all that strange.
  5. Things like: “you generally shouldn’t put things in your bum. It’s a rule of thumb’ are also being said.
  6. There is something called an Exersaucer in the middle of your living room.
  7. There’s an underwearless 3 year old boy face down in the Exersaucer. He is yelling ‘help, I’m stuck on a cliff’ while in the background there is relentless hysterical infant crying.
  8. Someone is conversing with you while you are sleeping.
  9. Someone is conversing with you while you brush your teeth.
  10. Someone is conversing with you while you are peeing and expects you to play hide and seek.
  11. You’re in bed with your eyes closed. You fought too hard for this and you’re never ever opening your eyes, even if it means letting someone walk on your rib cage, step on your head and pluck your hair out, even it means airway blockage and suffocation by a stuffed toy, even if it means responding to the question that is asked repeatedly “mommy, did it tick yet?”, I am still sleeping through this, damnit, Namaste.
  12. You never get to drink a cup of tea/coffee while it’s still warm.
  13. You never get to finish a cup of tea/coffee.
  14. There’s a cake slicer shaped like a high heel shoe , an egg beater and a swim board on your bathroom floor.
  15. You feel strangely nostalgic as you notice the high heel shoe shaped cake slicer. 717978412
  16. You consider a trip to IKEA with your husband to replace a mattress a date.
  17. You wear your high heels for the first time in months (wonder what made me think of those?) and the new totally rocking faux fur vest. There’s a big Charlie Brown sticker dangling from the faux fur you’re wearing for the very first time.
  18. You wake up at 7:20am. You lucky dawg!
  19. You can’t name a song by Florence and the Machine or One Direction but the Excesaucer tunes are looping in your head.
  20. Losing teddy is like your worst nightmare. I apologize, bad choice of words. Losing him is like a nuclear holocaust.

    Blue Bear

    Blue Bear

  21. You get excited when you see a garbage truck.
  22. You have to stop yourself from saying fighted, eated  and breaked.
  23. No more mid day sweet tooth indulgence and if it’s a real emergency and you just NEED to eat your chocolate cake right now before something really bad happens, you’ll hide like the criminal that you are, so no one knows you eated it.
  24. This is what a phone conversation with a friend sounds like: Hey friend, (Yes, 3 Year Old, I’m boiling the water for your hot chocolate. Warm chocolate, sorry). Yes, friend, sorry, I’m with you now, go ahead. (Yes, 3 Year Old, I’m still boiling the water for your warm chocolate. 3 Year Old, 3 Year Old, don’t do this, you’ll fall!) Sorry, friend. (Oh, wow, awesome!) Sorry, yes, talk to me, I’m listening, I can talk and listen at the same time. (Arrrrrgh, yoho and a bottle of rum!).
  25. You’re at home, headed toward the kitchen. You step on something and it either starts playing music, lights up or shouts caterpillar power! You pick it up and put it back in its place even though you’re fully aware you’ll be tripping on it again in 10 minutes

61 thoughts on “25 Signs That You’re a Parent

  1. yourothermotherhere says:

    (smiling)

  2. Love it!! We have a “Yellow Bear” that is just as well loved…

    • Katia says:

      Have you watched that episode of Modern Family where Lilly’s stuffed animal gets left behind on the subway? That sent chills down my spine.

      Thanks for helping out, Steph!

  3. Anya says:

    When brushing your teeth for 2 minutes in the morning is considered “taking some time for yourself” and viewed as a personal achievement. Sigh.

  4. Jen says:

    When it feels like you’re going through lock-down in a prison, but in reality, you are just maneuvering the baby gates as you go from one room to another…

    • Katia says:

      Good one! We’ve passed that stage with 3 Year Old (duh…) and not quite there with 5 Month Old yet, so I forgot all about that. Thanks for the reminder🙂

  5. I’m bookmarking this page, Love these! How about your weekend wardrobe consists of sweatpants, T-shirts, peanut butter and boogers.

    • Katia says:

      Thanks so much Brandy. I am so happy you liked it🙂 How about my week day wardrobe consists of everything you’ve mentioned + spit up (that’s my previous post).😛

  6. Gina says:

    hahaha! I love this list. I’m definitely going to follow your blog. My children range in age from 5 – 17. Trust me, the list goes on as they get older.🙂

    • Katia says:

      So nice to hear that you’ll be following, thanks, Gina! Yes, I can only imagine how the list will grow and involve more and more categories as time goes by🙂 Doing math homework when you are 36 years old?

  7. I can so relate to this post!! I definitely have had many of the above moments a lot!! Thanks for sharing your moments with us.

    • Katia says:

      I know, all week long after publishing this post I was going, darn this should have gone in the post too. Perhaps I’ll do a part II. Thanks so much for your comment🙂

  8. hahaha, on number 11! Also, is IKEA not an appropraite date place? huh who knew, lol (I actually wrote a post about our date to Ikea….)
    You know you’re a parent when you consider toys thrown under the couch, visitor worthy clean.

  9. pamhoward96409071 says:

    So true! I especially loved #10 and #16!!!

  10. Kerry says:

    Hubby and I have had some interesting “dates”– heck I think we have even counted some trips to the med center or emergency room dates as long as it was just the two of us!

    As your kids get older you are asked to do some strange things and to find some strange things….anyone ever had to go and find a Snow White costume for your 16 year old son so he could dress up for Spirit Week at school? Been there….done that😀

  11. eschelle says:

    LMFAO that was great I loved it sharing EVERYWHERE lol😀

  12. Laura says:

    Too funny! I don’t have kids yet, besides the furry one with four legs and a tail😉 but sometimes I count it as a workout how many times I step over a baby gate each day…

    • Katia says:

      Hi Laura, the furry ones are not that different than the non-furry ones. And a much better preparation for parenthood than pre-natal classes. And of course stepping over baby gates is a work out, just like every time I walk to the fridge to get another slice of key lime pie.

  13. tdecker26 says:

    your hilarious…but its all so true

  14. Amanda says:

    #25. The blankets in your house all have names that end in “-ie” Granny Blankie. Woobie, Pink Blankie, Purple Blankie, Momma Blankie…

    Very funny!

  15. Candi says:

    I have done number 16. Actually anytime we get out of the house without the kids, its a date.

  16. Ruth says:

    Totally cracked me up! And my offspring are 18 and 21 YEARS old. This too shall pass.😉
    You know you’re a parent when you are asked to breastfeed your daughters’ dolls…and trucks…and stuffed animals.

    • Katia says:

      :-)) True. 3 Year Old thought that talking about how 5 Month Old couldn’t find my breasts when I was breastfeeding was a great conversation opener when we are waiting in line at the doctor’s office.

      Thank you Ruth!

  17. #25 you look in your purse for your wallet and find a diaper, a pair of toddler socks and a Fisher Price chicken.

  18. Carrie says:

    #22 cracked me up! Thanks for sharing.

  19. Katrina says:

    Oh my goodness. I cracked up reading this entire post! So true! You know your a mom when your daughter starts breast feeding her babies as you breast feed your infant son or you know your a mom when showering EVERY day is like going to the spa.

  20. #25) You know you are a parent when you can talk about poop at any moment and it doesn’t bother you nor gross you out. You learn that poop can tell you alot about your kid, like what they do for the 2 seconds you aren’t looking. Once I found a hot pink brad in my toddler’s diaper that he must have gotten from my craft room (How did he learn to open the drawers? ahh!) True story!

    Loved your post and got the giggles cuz I totally relate to so much of it!

    • Katia says:

      Thank you so much, Stephanie! That’s hilarious about the pink poop (and must have been very scary when it happened). Thanks for your feedback.🙂

  21. Heather says:

    I can’t stop laughing at this. These are all posiive things I have to look forward to! ; ) It’s all worth it in the end though, right?

  22. You know your a parent when your heart stops after your child says MUMMY I LIVE YOU for no particular reason

  23. In fact I’ve got a better one than that you know your a parent when you think your child’s beloved teddy bear has gone forever and Grandpa calls to say that it’s at his house and he lives 45 miles away and Daddy thinks nothing of it and drives all the way up there at 10 O’Clock at night to get it just so that his princess will settle for the night TRUE STORY!!!!!!!

  24. kim says:

    Oh can I relate – there’s one more thing about being a parent that is hard…it’s being an older parent with bad back….We are raising our grandson and oh where’s my calgon.

  25. Samantha says:

    I found you on Scary Mommy, and I love what I’ve read so far. This list is exactly true, and it’s absolutely hilarious! When things like these happen in my house, I often think “wow, our life is crazy!” and it’s a nice reminder that crazy things are happening to mommies and daddies everywhere!🙂

    • Katia says:

      Thank you so much, Samantha. I completely agree with yo. Today was one of those days when I needed a reminder that things are crazy everywhere for parents so your comment came at a perfect time🙂 I’m so happy you’re enjoying reading my blog!

  26. butternutb says:

    I’ve written a sort of response to this on my blog! From another point of view. Also interested in emigrating to Canada so really loving your site.

    http://butternutb.wordpress.com/2013/02/06/187/

    • Katia says:

      Wow! I’m honoured! Maybe I’ll do a post on things you need to know about Canada🙂 I’ll rush over to you blog and check it out! I’m sure the answer will be on your blog, but where are you immigrating from?

      • butternutb says:

        England! So in some ways, perhaps not such a jump as yours, what with the two countries (supposedly) speaking the same language. I would completely love to read that post if you write it!

  27. Love this. Mine is: having your trousers down around your ankles freezing your bum cheeks because you have been undressed by your baby who is trying to climb up your leg while you are helping your toddler to brush her teeth…

    Thanks for liking my post so I can get to discover your blog.

  28. Mama C. says:

    You never get to drink a cup of tea/coffee while it’s still warm.
    ^^^This.

    You never get to finish a cup of tea/coffee.
    ^^^And this.

    • Katia says:

      😀 Hey there, Mama C! Still getting around to doing some reading and commenting of my own. I suck these days. Thank you SO much for reading and commenting!

      • Mama C. says:

        You’re welcome. I am SO Johnny-come-lately when it comes to reading and posting. I for sure suck more than you at it. The only snowball’s chance in you-know-where I have at it is when both kids are asleep…

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Tired. Going from 10 months of staying at home with the kids to full time work is disorienting.  I have to redefine what my involvement in their lives looks like. I have to go dig for my creativity, it's not readily available. I have to make room for friendships that were already pushed to the outskirts of my mommy life. What was previously inaccessible, existing in the "so near yet so far" category - books, blazers and heels - became a staple in this old new reality in a matter of days. Tired and disoriented but also content, supported and appreciative. #momsofinstagram #random #randomthoughts #changes #workingmom #tired #tgif
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