February 25, 2013 by Katia
Hello, and welcome to 14 things my husband said during the Oscars. The suggested reading material for first time visitors is 14 Things My Husband Said During the Grammys. It will explain a lot.
36 Year Old (not using his inner voice): So, I’VE heard that Seth McFarlane is hosting the Oscars this year.
Me: (using my inner voice) And so the Oscars post begins to write itself.
Morning of Oscars
So, I hear good things about Les Misérables. Apparently Anne Hatahway and Gerard Butler did a great job. (Me: Hugh Jackman). (Him, proudly) See? I’ve prepared this time. I’m not gonna stick my foot in my mouth again.
Our friends, Jenn and Al are over. Jenn claims to be on par with 36 Year Old in terms of pop culture reference making and getting. I am skeptical that that is possible, but intrigued.
Here’s what my husband said during the Oscars. My commentary is bolded.
- I hate William Shatner, he doesn’t understand anything about technology. (raised eyebrows across the board) – William Shatner during Seth McFarlane’s opening act – Promising start for my post.
- I despise the fact that he is a technophobe and DARED act as the FIRST commander of the Star Ship Enterprise. – I feel like the discussion is becoming very William Shatner-centric and I ask him to regroup and produce something else.
- Is that Woody Allen? Jenn: Did he say Woody Harrey? (she means Woody Harrelson, I think). 36 Year Old: No, he just looks like Woody Allen. – Christoph Waltz accepting the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.
- Me (sensing that this post is not going anywhere): Quick, who’s that? 36 Year Old: Clooney. (He is right) Me: you disappoint. Him: yes, I know movies, I just don’t know music. But now I like that guy who looks like Michael Jackson used to look like before he became white. That guy with the cool name – He means Bruno Mars, I think.
- An image of Golum comes on, as The Hobbit is nominated in one of the categories. 36 Year Old: He should win! Jenn (to him): have you seen it? (to me) Look, he’s looking at me like I’m crazy!- Yes, he’s seen it and at one point last night he claimed, in fact, that The Hobbit should not compete against other movies but be in a category of its own.
- Is this Anne Hathaway? She was a spy somewhere – Jennifer Garner presenting. This is the third time he asks if actresses of different age categories and builds are Anne Hathaway. The common denominator between them is that they all have long hair.
- (Adele performs) No one knows where she lives. Surprisingly detailed information about Adele’s discrete life ensues.
- Is it Rihanna? Is this Chris Brown? Are they together? Oh, I know it’s the guy from Snakes on a Plane! (Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx presenting)
- Me: what is this award for? Him: best something. He’s right.
- Isn’t that that actor who was in that movie? He was the king of an island (furrowed brows across the board). – camera is on Philip Seymour Hoffman. Some things have to remain a mystery.
- If you’re old and you’re still doing your gig, you’ll get a standing ovation. Why do they not have a Software Engineer Academy Awards? With life time achievements for 60 year olds who are still writing code and developing apps. Jenn: “oh, look, it’s that guy who wrote Angry Birds!” 36 Year Old: I put comments about my wife in my code all the time. Al: I would like to thank Katia for making this algorithm possible – Shirley Bassey is singing Goldfinger.
- Jenn: I feel like the last Bond I saw was the Gold one. Me: Goldfinger?? Wasn’t that in the 70’s??? Al: No, you probably mean Goldmember. Jenn: oh, right, that’s the one.
- Me: Sasha Baron Cohen, I would not expect to see him here. What did we see him that he was so good in? 36 Year Old: Borat.
- (Camera on Movie Director Ang Lee) I really appreciate that he’s still married. A lot of them leave their wives. Me: well, you know, we’re not exactly talking about Brad Pitt here. 36 Year Old: it doesn’t matter, once you’re a millionaire. Look at Madonna. She’s dating a dancer. And Jay Low has a guy. I don’t know what he does. He’s talking about J-Lo.
I was going to do a number 15 where I quote him saying “that’s the jedi” about Samuel L. Jackson. But that one turned out to be true. Joke’s on me.
p.s. Love you husband and friends!