I Miss Me


March 14, 2013 by Katia

May 2013 will mark 4 years since I became a mom. Surprisingly, until yesterday I’ve never experienced that “oh my god, I’M A MOM, no way!” moment. That moment when the full gravity of your (not so) new status suddenly dawns on you. I suppose I’ve been chasing that title for so long and wanted it so badly, that ever since I became a mom I haven’t stopped wearing it as an honorary badge, never really fantasizing about going back to my badgeless days. It was a seemingly random moment yesterday when it all sunk in. I was standing by the kettle celebrating the fact that 7 Month Old was finally napping by brewing myself some tea. It was a double celebration, in fact, since I had just learned that one of my posts was going to be featured on a website called Mamapedia. I was mulling the name over and over in my mind, Mamapedia, Mamapedia. It must have been that name that brought things home for me. Mamapedia sounds so very official and uncompromisingly mommyish. Clearly the name alludes to an encyclopedia. Mothers bestowing motherly wisdom and knowledge. Enter me. Whaaaaaaat? goes my inner Mila Kunis. Mamapedia. Me on Mamapedia. I’m a mother. I’M a MOTHER. OMG, OMG, OMG!

I’d be lying if I said I’ve never had an “OMG, I’m a mom” fleeting thought before, but it was always a deliberate, artificially generated one driven by a desire to feel this reality deeply to my very core, and a vague notion that I’m supposed to experience such a moment. I mean, doesn’t everyone?

I think a possible reason for my delayed OMGIAM reaction was that I never looked at this new role of mine through the eyes of my kids. To me I was the same kid but with kids. Reminders that this is not the same kid keep popping up everywhere, but I have a pretty strong pop up blocker. I don’t want to be reminded of that distant me. The me who was not a mom, but just a daughter. The me who was just a wife, the me who was just a friend. It hurts too much to think of her, because it’s not only new children but new continents, responsibilities and priorities that separate me from her and I know that it might be years before we reunite, if at all. It hurts most when I see glimpses of her in other people around me, because this is when I feel at my most un-me. I’m the girl in high heels who happens to be wearing flats for the last four years. I’m the restaurant lover who knows every new restaurant in Tel-Aviv 2006 but lives in Toronto 2013. I’m the frequent flyer who barely travels, the girl who would spend at least an hour getting ready for a date but doesn’t have an hour to spare for preparing for dates she doesn’t go on and it makes me sad that the people I see her reflected in, don’t even know that she’s there. Mamapedia me wouldn’t want to trade places with her. It’s not her childless life that I want. Not for anything, what I have is way too precious, but god, do I miss me, so bitterly there’s a lump in my throat.



31 thoughts on “I Miss Me

  1. Yeah, I think it’s strange loosing that one part of yourself. I’m nervous for that because I’m still trying to figure out who I am without kids.

  2. Jack Markish says:

    Ты очень точно описала мое весьма тайное ощущение, о котором никто не должен знать, и о котором хорошо знала Лена и поддерживала его (это ощущение) во мне. И когда мне в очереди какой-то придурок сказал: “Садись, дода!”, стало ясно, что никому это событие не покажется смешным, и впрямь – дода! It might be years before we reunite!

    • Katia says:

      Spasibo dorogoy Tuzik! A ty ochen smeshno opisala svoyo oshusheniye. Ya, kstate, ne vizhu dodu, i mne ob etom bylo smeshno prochest. Lublu!

  3. Stephanie Sprenger says:

    This is beautiful, honest, and stunning. You are not alone in your feelings. I am glad you are brave enough to give voice to them – it is really important for us to do that. xo

  4. Emily says:

    Love your honesty in this post…I miss me too and have written about that in my memoir, that I hope to publish soon! Thanks for sharing this – you are definitely not alone.

  5. Julie DeNeen says:

    Love love love your honesty!

  6. Jennifer says:

    I followed your link from MBC, and I’m so glad I did. You have a wonderful blog. I understand how you feel and I think it’s common. I appreciate your honesty. I’ve subscribed to your blog via email and am looking forward to reading more. If you’d like to check out my blog, it’s at http://thistlebearhome.blogspot.com. 🙂

    • Katia says:

      Hi Jennifer, it’s so heart warming to find your message this morning. Thanks so much for following my blog. I look forward to visiting yours (love the name already)!

  7. ttoombs08 says:

    I don’t miss my old me because I’ve been able to bring her along. I still camp, fish, hunt, explore like I did pre-kids, but now I do it with husband and kid in tow. Good thing I married a man that loves the same things I do, he just brought horses into the picture. 😉

    But, I can understand this. I felt that way many times in my first marriage. 😉

    • Katia says:

      Thank you so much, Terrye! It’s great that you’ve managed to “preserve” yourself. I feel like I have preserved myself in other ways, writing brings me closer to me, but I’d feel that much better if I were typing this in high heels 😛

  8. Abigail says:

    Thank you for being so honest. I have to admit I fear this a little. It’s why I can’t fathom quitting my job. Ever. At least if I travel for work and have the ability to jump on a plane via standby with my family that part of me will never get lost. At least that’s my hope.

    • Katia says:

      Thank you, Abigail. You know what, I don’t think it’s an inevitable part of any/every mothering experience. I know for certain that for me it was a combination of circumstances including our immigration. The fact that we moved continents brought about the first change in our lifestyle, priorities etc. Don’t let this post scare you, I honestly don’t think it’s an integral part of motherhood nor is it a feeling that governs me. It just surfaces from time to time 🙂

  9. M says:

    I feel the same way.

  10. Cynthia says:

    I miss me too. For sometime now I have not been able to put my finger on that ache that seems so dull and so ever present. I now know what it is, I miss me, I miss “freedom”, I miss sleep, I miss Tel’Aviv and the groves of Jerusalem. Just as my middle eastern neighbor that is so beautiful, it is in so much turmoil. Frankly there is a quiet war going on between me and my old self. Like how can the fineness of the King David Hotel be so close to grittiness of Jaffa Market? Likewise, how can I feel like this sometime?

    • Katia says:

      Thank you so much for your comment, Cynthia! Yes, you describe it very accurately, that dull ache.And that longing for me is not just chronological, wanting to go back to an old pre-children self, but very much geographical, the me I was one in my own home country is much more me.

  11. I hear you girl I get up quickly to get some water and 10 minutes later I’m sitting back at my desk thinking what did I do with that water… retrace my steps, Laundry room? NO, Kitchen? NO, Bedrooms? NO OH of course here in the broom closet! Wait, did I just do all of that in 10 min!

  12. Angela Silva says:

    I am a mom of 15 years and I know what you talk about. I actually lived with my parents until the day I got married and now it is my husband and 8 wonderful children who were all sent from heaven without a doubt!! I love each of my kids so very deeply and enjoy watching them grow. I had not even thought about it until one day I had a girlfriend ask me what would you like to do…to which I responded well I am not sure about that…..my life has always been molded around my kids and family. I had always been limited to what the possibilities were when I was growing up and now with a big family, I am somewhat limited as well. Since my girlfriend asked me that question, though I have begun to go out and to do things on my own and dream about what I really want to do. It is amazing to think of all the adventure that God has really put in my heart and as I explore, there have been so many ways that it is coming out! I thank God on a daily basis for allowing me to look and find the me that he truly created me to be in the midst of loving and cherishing the family he has given me! You are a very special person and each day has a new surprise for you with and without your family! Cheers for every mom and the dear sweet person inside! 🙂

    • Katia says:

      Thank you so much, Angela, for your very moving comment. I’m so happy for you that you are rediscovering, or recreating maybe (?) yourself. I know that a lot of mothers feel lost and purposeless when they are faced with an empty nest. I think it’s so wise to start rediscovering yourself now, rather than wait for that moment. I hope you were able to find out what it is that you enjoy doing and what it is that you are without the kids. Again thank you for your kind comment.

      • Angela Silva says:

        You are welcome! It has been so much fun to discover who I am and also try to help my kids find the freedom to figure out who they are and what they like. Yes, I agree that now is a great time instead of waiting until the kids all leave home…of course I have about 15 years until my baby leaves my husband and my care! Because I did not find the freedom to develop me as I grew up, I was never really sad about missing the girl I was because of the mom I have become. Now I am really having fun with the development of the real me inside…the sometimes impatient but always loving wife and mom and photography addict. I LOVE ADVENTURES and I as I begin to see myself through my husband’s eyes, I realize that there is really nothing that I cannot do! I Thank God for my husband! And I will continue to cheer you on as I think of you and know that you are accepting your new role as you continue to find ways to express and enjoy the “you” that is always there….growing and developing through all the experiences of life!! Thank you for letting me be a apart of your blog! 🙂

      • Katia says:

        Thank you, once again, for such a heartfelt comment! It’s an honour to have someone respond that way to something I write. I am excited to know you’ll be following. Hopefully I don’t disappoint 🙂

  13. FreeUrCloset says:

    Great post. I feel the same way..motherhood is one tough job at times. Blogging about something I like sure helps me keep my own identity. Thanks for sharing such an honest story.
    xo Natasha

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