June 19, 2013 by Katia
Today I am so thankful to feature a post by Rachel, the author of one of my favourite blogs, The Tao of Poop. Rachel is such a gifted writer and this piece, previously featured on her blog, manages, with very few words, to address what I believe is one of the greatest misconceptions about miscarriage and pregnancy loss, you can’t grief what you don’t know. I used to think so too.
I was eight weeks pregnant when George and I were married. I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. At the time, I wrote this piece to mourn and heal.
I thought there was no grieving without knowing
I thought mourning was fueled by
Lost relationships and experiences shared
Losing you is a different thing
Missing the change in the curve of my waist
The place I touched to remind me that you were there, oh, so, barely there
Letting go a shift in consciousness that readied to make room for you
Getting used to no morning sickness, for Pete’s sake!
Such elusive things seem to add up to knowing you
Well, you will remain in a million wedding pictures and I will remember the proverbial twinkle in your dad’s eye
He wondered if you had thoughts before this
He would talk to you, just in case
We had so many questions, my hopeful mystery
I have them now too,
I want to know could I have saved you
Did I do something wrong?
I want to know if you knew us, if you will remember us
I fear the answer is no
But I’ll never know
Something else to grieve
My OB told me I was a “geriatric pregnancy”. I didn’t like that much. Now, I feel lucky to have a healthy daughter, who has no idea I’m old. THE TAO OF POOP, is about life since she was born in 2011. My blog gives me the opportunity to explore the ups and downs of being a first-time mom in her 40’s. I always strive to find the poignancy and humor in the ever-changing, complicated mix of parenthood.
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