First Time Outsider


August 7, 2013 by Katia

I’ve always felt like I don’t belong, which is probably why I moved continents one day, to give that feeling an official reason… I’ve never, however, been an outsider until I became one for a brief moment.

I wrote a post about this, which is featured on one of my absolutely favourite blogs, Finding Ninee, today. My hilarious friend Kristi, the powerhouse behind Finding Ninee, brilliantly describes and illustrates life “in the middle world” with Tucker, her 4 Year Old son. A few months ago Kristi wrote a post titled “A Land of Empathy and Wonder” and the post became a series, Our Land. My post on Kristi’s blog today is part of that series.

To read the post click here.


9 thoughts on “First Time Outsider

  1. Lizzi Rogers says:

    Katia I *loved* reading you over there. It’s one of my absolute favourites too. And Our Land is just GORGEOUS! Long may it continue. And take over the world 🙂

  2. mysending says:

    What an amazing list of how to help others not feel alone!

  3. I adore you and am so happy that your awesome cool amazing voice is over on Finding Ninee today. Thanks so much for allowing me to share you with my other peeps, Katia. They’re sure to love you as much as I do!
    *blushing that I’m one of your favs but so relieved because you’re one of mine, friend!*

  4. Dana says:

    Loved, loved, loved. I rambled a bit over there, so I’ll keep it short here.

  5. […] I’ve always felt like I don’t belong, which is probably why I moved continents one day, to give that feeling an official reason… I’ve never, however, been an outsider until I became one for a brief moment.  […]

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What makes a happy new year? 
This is my story, but I suspect, it might also be yours. 
Lately I haven't been writing much. Forget writing, I can't even produce an entertaining Facebook update. Why? Because selecting the right words requires an effort and I don't have any effs (for effort) left to give. First I stopped posting to my blog, then my blog's Facebook page and eventually my own Facebook profile. I'm making an effort but I find it draining. Who knew that posting funny updates on your profile is not so easy? 
Nothing dramatic is going on in my life. Work's been extra busy with some newly added responsibilities and stress, bedtimes are still long-ish and my sleep is still often interrupted, but it's not nearly as often as before. My "me time" is limited and starts late. The emotional energy I invest in my work, the nature of my sleep and the limited time I spend on myself leave me with little energy to spare. Any energy I have left and then some is invested in my kids.

My kids, whom you all know I adore and admire, are daring, often reckless and very young and inexperienced. Sometimes I'm surprised at the extent of their lack of caution and I'm always, always disproportionately worried. I know that because I'm unlike the other mothers around me. I come from a family of worriers and anxious people. My neural pathways always lead me to a dead end - literally. I catastrophize and imagine the worst outcome. For years I've been able to rationalize and talk myself out of useless, time consuming and energy wasting internal struggles with often imagined worrisome scenarios, but now that words are burdensome and my energy is dwindled, I can't. 
I'm entering this new year happier and more optimistic than I've been in awhile. Yesterday I went to see my doctor. After a lot of internal turmoil and thoughts about cancelling my appointment I came in and blurted out: I think I'm suffering from some form of anxiety. His very calm and matter of fact-ish reaction ("like everyone else in the 21st century") wasn't dismissive, but reassuring. Self care sometimes means looking deeper. 
I wish everyone a happy new year of good mental health. It's the basis for everything.
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