Closest To Me

13

August 16, 2013 by Katia

Hi friends. While I’m away on vacation I’ve been reposting some favourite pieces here. I don’t have a clever introduction to this one. It’s one of two of my absolute favourites.

*****************

I blog for many reasons. Too many to name. Chief amongst them is that it brings me closest to my true self, a nearly extinct relationship that I cherish and crave.

Sometimes when 4 Year Old, Master of Emotional Extortion that he is, wants to fish for sympathy after doing something he shouldn’t have, he uses this catch phrase “I guess I should go and stay in somebody else’s home”. I’ve never realized until now that this has been my emotional reality for the better part of the last six years, which I’ve spent living “in somebody else’s skin”. While I am not sure that that entity was well defined enough to be wholeheartedly referred to as “somebody else” but it most certainly wasn’t me, since everything that defined me once had changed.

This is Me and Where I am - Joanne Fitzgerald
This is Me and Where I am – By Joanne Fitzgerald

This is a book that 4 Year Old got for his first birthday from my friend, Mary.

This book demonstrates the concept that we are all part of something larger, a Babushka-doll-like construction of concentric circles with us in the middle surrounded by our room, our house, street, neighbourhood, city, insert family where applicable and you get the picture.

Before 2007 this was me:

2006

This was my family:

Mama&MeBabushka&Ninulya

My house:

My_apartment

My street:

My-Street

My city:

English: Tel Aviv, shore.
Tel-Aviv, shore (Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

And my country:

Topographic map of Israel. Created with GMT fr...
Map of Israel.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Then I moved to this country.

A topographic map of Canada, showing elevation...
Map of Canada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This city:

English: Panorama of Toronto. Français : Image...
Panorama of Toronto. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After a while I ended up on this street:

May 2013 059

On the left side of this house:

May 2013 060

This is now my family:

March - c 155

And I am a different Katia. Did you notice how everything got bigger once I moved? Well, I shrunk.

157_8474692068_2967_n

When I first moved I became a ghost, a neither here nor there type of being. I’d wake up at whatever time I did and immediately add 7 hours to the local time, so I could fine tune my biological watch and “correctly” place myself. For a few years I’d continue multiplying the prices of local products by four to get an idea of how much they’d cost in another, non-relevant reality. I’ve split into three, my authentic pre-immigration self, and two local beings: new immigrant Katia and Meta Katia, constantly hovering over the new immigrant one’s head, correcting her behaviours, criticizing and judging her for using the wrong English word, constantly assessing and updating the charts on her daily levels of fitting in. New immigrant me couldn’t just be, because it was ‘being’ in so many parallel, non babushka-doll-like, non overlapping circles and levels that I was no longer a monolithic coherent structure but a fragmented one. Now add new motherhood to the equation.

I could write a book with the various excuses I’ve come up with over the years for not writing. Chief amongst them in the last six years is that immigrant Katia can’t write in a language that is not her native one. Last summer 9 Month Old was born. Once he safely emerged into the world, two weeks ahead of time, part of me was probably ready to let go of fear and I started writing.

I blog because writing feels like being me.

I blog because writing brought friends who think and feel like me into my life.

I blog because every post of mine that gets published on other websites is a triumph for new immigrant Katia.

I blog because every retweet of my posts from my accomplished blogger friends and from writers I look up to such as Marinka and Jeni Marinucci brings immigrant Katia another step closer to the authentic me.

Why do you blog?

This post has been a Finish the Sentence Friday contribution. Please visit our wonderful hosts:

Janine at Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic

Stephanie at Mommy, for Real

Kate at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?

Dawn at Dawn’s Disaster

Kristi at Finding Ninee

13 thoughts on “Closest To Me

  1. I loved this when I first read it. I love it still. I hope the Meta Katia has quietened down a little, and the Real Katia (who is, after all, even more than the sum of the other three parts) has some space to breathe these days.

  2. Dana says:

    I remember this post; it’s one of my favorites too. And I remember that my post for Why I Blog was shallow and sarcastic – this put mine to shame. But that’s ok! Hope you are having a wonderful visit home.

    • Katia says:

      You are wonderful and I remember your post and loved your take (asking your kids and husband to address this). I actually think your take sort of encapsulates what it means to be a blogger mommy🙂 but that you so much, my friend!

  3. Elizabeth says:

    This was the first post of yours that I ever read and it still gives me chills. It’s so honest. It is so much like my FTSF post from that week. My sentence was “I blog because it makes me feel like me.”

    This post of yours is the one I forwarded on to my good friend who married an American and emigrated from Finland to the States. She misses her native country and says she loves reading your blog because she can relate to so much of what you write.

    • Katia says:

      It’s amazing to know that you’ve reread this and that the words still move you as well as that your friend finds some similarity in this to her own experiences. I’m so grateful to you, Elizbeth, for sharing this with me!

  4. LOVE awesome BEAUTIFUL and amazing. I blog for different and the same and all of the wonderful reasons that you do. I am me. We are us. I blog because I was alone, and now I am not. Also? I hope you know that, while I realize that you felt like a ghost, you have never been a ghost, not really. Your spirit and your voice and your youness is right here, and right now, and right everywhere.

  5. TK says:

    Loved the pictorial representation of your thoughts! I blog simply because I love to write and cannot live without writing in some form or other. Have a great vacation!

    • Katia says:

      Thank you so much, TK! It’s so great that ou recognize the power and the influence that writing has on your life. It took me a while, but now I’m there.

  6. This was a beautiful post! I remember reading it the first time. I love the pictures. I think I blog partly as a way to express myself and to find something that is wholly me, but you said it and expressed it so eloquently.

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Tired. Going from 10 months of staying at home with the kids to full time work is disorienting.  I have to redefine what my involvement in their lives looks like. I have to go dig for my creativity, it's not readily available. I have to make room for friendships that were already pushed to the outskirts of my mommy life. What was previously inaccessible, existing in the "so near yet so far" category - books, blazers and heels - became a staple in this old new reality in a matter of days. Tired and disoriented but also content, supported and appreciative. #momsofinstagram #random #randomthoughts #changes #workingmom #tired #tgif
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