NASA Will Pay You 18K For 70 Days In Bed – In Related News: Who Wants To Watch My Kids?

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January 9, 2014 by Katia

I don’t need a Million Dollars. Just cough up 18K and we’re good. This post was written last fall for the late MamaPop, a pop and web culture website I was a proud to write for. Earlier this week I woe-is-me’d about sleep. As you can see not much has changed in four months.

To review my application for the NASA role, please read on.

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‘I’ve got the ideal job for you!’ announced my husband a couple of days ago. Been there, done that, know that what usually follows is the ultimately NON ideal job for me. I was prepared to be pleasantly disappointed, which I totally was the minute the word ‘NASA’ came out of his mouth. However he soon had me again at ‘bed’.

And it’s not what you think, OK? It’s nothing kinky. Unless you view my sleep fetish as kinky, which why would you? All I do is spend considerable amounts of my day worrying whether I’m going to get it tonight or not. The rest of the time I fantasize and obsess about sleep and will take it in any shape, form and position I can get. Enter NASA.

NASA experiment pros and cons list. Pro: I get to sleep not on my computer.

 

On Friday last week various news websites reported that NASA was looking for volunteers for an experiment it was conducting on the effects of decreased physical activity and effort during the periods astronauts spend in space, where due to lack of gravity they are not required to be as active and exert as much physical effort. The experiment will involve spending 70 days in a downward tilted bed at a 6 degree angle. Subjects who complete the task will earn up to $18K.

So where’s the catch?

I know, new(ish) moms, I know. Is it possible that we all just collectively had the same wet dream?  So, like, let me get this straight, you’re actually paying me to STAY IN BED??? I feel like there’s a Robert Redford/Demi Moore parallel waiting to be drawn here, but I’m ignoring it, because where’s the catch in YOUR scenario again, NASA?

NASA experiment pros and cons list. Con: this is not a good look on me.

NASA experiment pros and cons list. Con: this is not a good look for me.

See, I am a non-morning person who’s been waking up at 5 a.m. for months. It seems that my 1-year-old and 4-year-old are in agreement that when one of them decides to sleep in the other one takes the 5 a.m. shift. That is when nobody wakes up at 4:30 a.m., because who, the hell, wants to wake up at 5 a.m. every day??? Of course, we also usually get woken up at least once a night by each of the boys prior to our final rise and shine with the roosters. As a result, I’ve become one of those, previously scorned by me, happy go lucky sleepers who couldn’t care less if they’re slobbering all over somebody’s shoulder on the train with their head dropping backwards or dozing off while cooking lunch. I’ll sleep through it. It being anything. I am now capable of sleeping while sitting in 4-year-old’s bed at 3 a.m., as well as, I would guess, while standing, sky diving, peeing and floating in space (the last sentence is borrowed from my NASA cover letter).

Before applying for the position, I’ve decided, like every professional person, to create a pros and cons list.

Do we really need to talk about the pros? Didn’t think so.

As for cons? MEH. Not gonna lie to you, I am not crazy about the sound of a tilted angle on my bed, it kinda screams sea sickness, if you ask me, but I’m highly adaptable and will fit in in any type of work environments. Another semi concern I had was that apparently according to Roni Cromwell, a senior scientist on the study, this opening is not for couch potatoes. That’s fine, I was taught to look for a 90% match between the job description and my qualifications. Then, of course, there’s the kids. They will do anything in their power to get me out of bed. I am very well equipped to deal with situations like that. In the course of my previous employment relevant experience, I’ve managed to stay in bed and sleep through conversations I was having, as well as remain lying while wooden wrenches, screws and saws from Melissa and Doug’s wooden project workbench were being repeatedly shoved under my pillow. I’ve never once left bed during zombie, mummy and monster attacks. I believe I’m the ideal candidate for the position.

Last spring I tweeted:

Don’t belittle my post-kids dreams. They may be small but just as unattainable. #cupofteafantasies

— IAMTHEMILK (@KatiaDBE) April 10, 2013

 

You do realize, NASA, that you’re about to get swamped with applications from moms, right? Our final frontier is much closer than space, but just as unattainable. It’s our own bed. Thanks for making this possible, NASA.

NASA experiment pros and cons list. con: does this suit make my ass look fat?

*** Have you slept through weird circumstances? ***

Image source: Wikimedia Commons

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This post is an FTSF post on the topic: “If I had a million dollars…”. Please visitour hosts, the terrifically awesome :

Stephanie at Mommy, For Real

Kristi at Finding Ninee

Kate at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?

Janine at Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic