The Alternative Canadian Citizenship Test

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February 6, 2014 by Katia

I moved to Canada seven years ago with the dream of becoming a citizen one d’eh.

It’s been two years since that day came and went. I proudly smiled at the camera and waved the most cheerful looking flag out there, stood up to lip sync the national anthem, swore my allegiance to the Queen, shook hands, lip synced some more- in French this time and knew that this was a special special day in the history of me, the details of which will escape me for the rest of my life because:

Mommy Brain

One of the happiest days in my life. I think.

Mommy brain IS a thing. For reals. It’s also a convenient excuse, albeit not one that I would try to run by the immigration officials grading your test. To become eligible for lip syncing in French and what was probably totally one of the happiest days of my life I had to pass a Citizenship Test. That meant memorizing facts and responding to questions which will demonstrate that I understand the fact that I, as a woman, am allowed to vote and can name the province that is the largest pulp and paper manufacturer (can I get a “quoi-quoi”, Quebec?) and correctly identify the reason for celebrating remembrance day.

I aced Canadian citizenship, but contrary to my own popular belief I did not magically become a Canadian that day. While my papers may argue so, the snow pile on the sidewalk outside my house begs to differ.

Based on this damn Polar Vortex winter and completely subjective reasoning, I propose that the Canadian citizenship test should be a practical one and here’s what you should be tested on:

• Do you have a snow shoveling and piling technique? If you answered: “technique?” or “yes, I shovel the snow with my shovel” then you were clearly spared the rude awakening of watching my neighbour yesterday, piling up the snow and pounding the top of the pile with the shovel to flatten it. This is how we roll.
• Do you have an ice scraping technique? Are you aware of ice scraping being a thing? If you are surprised by non-metaphorical use of “ice breaking” are currently asking yourself “oh, so I was supposed to SCRAPE that?” or if you’ve at any point contemplated melting the ice by pouring boiling water on it I’m sorry. Truly. Try Australia. 
• So, we’re polar vortexing here and it’s school pick up time. Finish the sentence: Only a total loser would: if you chose “leave home on a day like this” or “leave home without a stroller”… Well, this is awkward. Just take a look around, eh?

So, did you pass?

I’ve failed every single category and spent the last few weeks in a deep sense of incompetence and inadequacy and in fear of my citizenship being revoked. Then I remembered, I’m a positive person, eh, so I got off the couch and now I’m changing my tagline to this:

Every day I’m shoveling.

***

How’s polar vortex treating you?

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post, very loosely based on the topic: “My best dream ever was…”. Please visit these lovely ladies, our hosts:

This post is an FTSF post on the topic: “A funny thing happened on my way…”. Please visitour hosts, the terrifically awesome :

Stephanie at Mommy, For Real

Kristi at Finding Ninee

Kate at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?

Janine at Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic