Parenting’s X-Files: The Mysteries of Child Rearing

33

October 27, 2014 by Katia

Imagine the X-Files opening theme.

Now imagine me showing you the month of October as a Rorschach ink blot.

(creepy, right?)

So what do you see?

Is it the word “indecisiveness” floating over an image of scales with falling leaves in the background?

Is it looming pornstaches or a more mainstream skeleton behind a creaking door?

Movember

Wanna know what I see?

Well, it’s definitely not creaking doors opening on their own to reveal one kind of mystery and another and that is because quite frankly – been there, done that. My mystery quota is maxed out, pal.

Here’s the thing. From the moment you conceive and they inform you that you should, in fact, add two weeks to your pregnancy so it actually starts before it actually did – parenting is full of mystery. Just like that state of chronic barf mysteriously referred to as “morning sickness”. Just like the mysterious pink (chewed up?) goo you just found in your shoe in an all-boy household.

I’ve compiled a list of some of the mysteries that I find myself pondering frequently. Hope you add yours onto the list and perhaps help me solve some of mine:

x-files

  • Why do your children want to eat the food you offer them only when it’s sitting on your plate and while you’re eating it?
  • Who tells your child to be on call on those rare occasions their sibling slept in and missed the mandatory 5 a.m. wake up?
  • How is your child’s body in sync with the family calendar and what is it about the words “family vacation” that launches an attack on their immune system?
  • How come they’re called family “vacations”?
  • Stickers. WTF.
  • What is it about the bedtime routine that evokes such intense thirst?
  • How come toes look good on them?
  • How do they find out about your clandestine once in a blue moon dates with your spouse and stay up especially late on those nights?
  • How come three years later poop is still AS funny?
  • How is it possible for them to rely on mutually exclusive paradigms like “mama does everything I want” and “you never listen to me, mama!
  • How are they capable of so efficiently blocking out surrounding noises up until the moment someone says the word “cookie”?
  • How come they’ll inevitably put a stain on your favourite shirt of theirs bought yesterday and worn for a total of 5 minutes?
  • How is it that they’re so immune to certain teachings, like the fate of a Cheerios bowl placed on the couch’s arm rest?
  • Why is it that they insist on watching the same precise show which gave them nightmares the last time they watched it?

***

Speaking of Scooby Doo, this post was a Netflix post on the topic of “Mystery”. My top five favourite mystery shows on Netflix in no particular order (except for Lost) are:

1. Lost

2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer

3. Twin Peaks

4. The Killing

5. *coughprettylittleliarscough*

How about you? How do your kids like to keep the mystery alive?

What is your favourite mystery show?

 

 

 

33 thoughts on “Parenting’s X-Files: The Mysteries of Child Rearing

  1. larva225 says:

    Mystery? Easy! How do tiny cute little nostrils produce boogers the size of cabbages? It seems physically impossible.
    Show? A bit harder, but I gotta go with Les Revenants (a.k.a. The Returned). This awesome French show you can find online or via IFC. Only 1 season so far, but c’est magnifique!

  2. Michelle says:

    I love Buffy so much…anytime I’m stressed or sick..that’s what I put on.

  3. Natalie DeYoung says:

    You are like the Sherlock Holmes of parenting.
    And excellent list. I’ll pretend I didn’t see the last one.😉

  4. Awesome list! Also, why are they always perfect angels with everyone but mommy?

  5. Sarah says:

    Seriously. The food you’re eating. Why?!?! Or why is the food your child loved yesterday today so detestable? Why?!?!?
    Yes, Lost and Buffy! My husband and I rewatched Once More With Feeling a couple of nights ago so we could sing along. Oh, 90s fashions!

    • Katia says:

      It just happened to me again this morning ad I was posting this bit with an upgrade. 2 Year Old now insists on using my spoon when eating my food.

  6. How is your child’s body in sync with the family calendar and what is it about the words “family vacation” that launches an attack on their immune system?

    UGG!!!!!!!!!

  7. Roshni says:

    Poop and butt jokes are still popular 10 years later!! *sigh*

  8. Love, love, love this! Stickers?!?! WTF is right!!!

  9. sara says:

    Parenting mysteries🙂 Love it!
    1. How does “I’m tired or bored” get misread as “I’m hungry?”
    2. How is that each of my children religiously flushes the toilet, uses toilet paper and put the seat down – and yet, all the signs are to the contrary?
    3. why, oh why, don’t they listen when I ask them nicely, with my best manners, twice or thrice, but wait until I am a shrieking fire breathing dragon and then regard me with an affronted demeanour?

    • Katia says:

      AMEN, sister! So, so, so well said. I ask myself these questions (well, 1 and 3) daily. Expecting your #2 to kick in in a a couple of years…🙂

  10. Lisa @ The Golden Spoons says:

    Why is it they claim to be starving, but when you put dinner in front of them they don’t eat? Why can they NEVER find clean socks even though you just did the laundry and put clean ones in their drawer? Speaking of drawers, why do they never close the drawers of their furniture?

  11. Kristi Campbell - findingninee says:

    HAHA Katia! Tucker LOVES Scooby Doo. And *coughIreadPrettyLittleLiarbooksCough*
    Laughed out loud at “stickers. wtf.” Because YES stickers wtf and bowls of stuff on the arm of the couch and “vacation” – ha!🙂

  12. Why is it that I only lose my words when I’m furious/shocked/frightened and in dire need of getting my message across to them NOW?

  13. My job is essentially yelling at children for a living (lifeguard) and I’ve pretty much given up trying to understand the nutty things they do.

  14. This is SO awesome and hilarious, my friend! I am still giggling over “stickers, WTF.” It’s so refreshing to hear your clever and observant voice again. I’ve missed you. Well done with this one- I love how you spun the parenting mysteries into the X-files theme. Well played.🙂 xo

  15. Lora says:

    How does my son automatically adjust his sleep schedule to day light savings time. (Did I mention he’s now waking at 5am?!)

  16. Dana says:

    My kids (13 and 16) think it’s a riot to get a sticker at the pediatrician’s office, but I remember when the simple task of picking one out was a major life event. And poop is no longer funny at our house, but farts and burps certainly are.

  17. Why is it imperative to climb over the couch rather than walk around it like a civilised human being? Voila!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Between 2014-2015:

BlogHer '13 Voices of the Year Community Keynote Honoree
Scary Mommy
The Epistolarians

Books:

Categories

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 15,990 other followers

Do you think that they're trying to tell me something? #momsofinstagram #lifewithboys #mobsofinstagram #goodnight #goodnightsleeptighttakesonawholenewmeaning #parenting #random
Donate-a-post-iv
mumsnet
Blogarama - The Blog Directory
Finish the Sentence Friday
%d bloggers like this: