13 Aggressive Household Items and Their Problem

10

July 18, 2016 by Katia

household items

13 Aggressive Household Items and Their Problem

 

  1. Doormats and indoor doorway rugs – Nothing says “Welcome” like a doormat that says “Welcome” as it trips you. Inferiority complex.
  2. Mirrors – Gloaters hiding behind the ideological façade of “I tell it like it is”. Assholes.
  3. Table corners – The Trumps of the furniture world. Common Bullies lacking knowledge of foreign policy and American internal affairs.
  4. Canned beans, spaghetti containers, tomato paste – These special snowflakes are so much better than everyone else on the shelf they’d rather make a total spectacle of themselves and jump than share their tightly-packed space with less refined products, even if it does cost you your toe. Sociopaths.
  5. Fire alarm –Attention seeker, the boy who cried wolf, incapable of distinguishing between appearance and reality. Trippin’.
  6. Those little rails that the wheels on your drawer slide onto – Terrible teamwork skills, giver-uppers, zero f***s to give about your toes, time or anything that matters. Evil.
  7. Possessed musical toys – Lack of respect for your basic well-being and values such as personal audio-space, timing or cardio health. TBD upon meeting with exorcist.
  8. Wall mount shower heads – As a mother there are enough areas in my life that I have no control over. Why would I want high velocity water to fly at me, as I once again do all the work myself: twist, turn and extend different body parts in order to meet it? Control freak.
  9. Toilets – I don’t trust anyone who can be summarized by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow thus: “when she was good she was very very good, but when she was bad she was horrid.– Moody and unpredictable. Possibly a Gemini.  
  10. Wooden Blue Toddler Step Stools from Target – Table corners on speed. Tauntingly alternate between The Bump and The Trip. Commitment issues.
  11. Marble Counters and window ledges – Human-head traps with hierarchic views, constantly trying to show you who’s boss. Too much time on their hands.
  12. CD Rack – An anachronistic display of some of the most shameful facts about you. Judas.
  13. House plants – They won’t say anything to your face but they’ll let you know how miserable they are by shedding golden brown crispy leaves everywhere. Also known to mark their territory in the traditional way and by leaving dirt marks. Very passive-aggressive and manipulative.

***

Do your household items ever gang up against you or is it just me?

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10 thoughts on “13 Aggressive Household Items and Their Problem

  1. larva225 says:

    I have this massive toddler stool in my bathroom, painted red, and constructed of solid hardwood boards that are about 1 1/2″ thick. It’s not balanced well, becoming a 20 lb teeter totter when a child steps on it wrong, frequently dumping the offending child on their butt, punctuated by falling on their ankle for further injury. My grandfather made it, so it cannot be destroyed.

    • Katia says:

      😀 that sounds a lot like our Target Step stool, minus the instability or sentimental value – shall we say. Teheran justification for keeping our blue step stool was that it was pretty. Unfortunately it hasn’t aged gracefully.

  2. amorefado says:

    lol Absolutely aggressive. I think we all agree

  3. Bianca Loren says:

    lol! Very articulate observations!

  4. Ha! Love all of these – especially 13, the plants! I will add: Floor lamps – at the slightest provocation, TIMBERRRRRRR and thwack, right on your toe, or torso, or your offspring. 🙂

    • Katia says:

      Oh, totally! Where were you when I was writing the post? Thanks for the addition! Lamp posts are the worst. Mean Girls, would be my diagnosis for them.

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What makes a happy new year? 
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Lately I haven't been writing much. Forget writing, I can't even produce an entertaining Facebook update. Why? Because selecting the right words requires an effort and I don't have any effs (for effort) left to give. First I stopped posting to my blog, then my blog's Facebook page and eventually my own Facebook profile. I'm making an effort but I find it draining. Who knew that posting funny updates on your profile is not so easy? 
Nothing dramatic is going on in my life. Work's been extra busy with some newly added responsibilities and stress, bedtimes are still long-ish and my sleep is still often interrupted, but it's not nearly as often as before. My "me time" is limited and starts late. The emotional energy I invest in my work, the nature of my sleep and the limited time I spend on myself leave me with little energy to spare. Any energy I have left and then some is invested in my kids.

My kids, whom you all know I adore and admire, are daring, often reckless and very young and inexperienced. Sometimes I'm surprised at the extent of their lack of caution and I'm always, always disproportionately worried. I know that because I'm unlike the other mothers around me. I come from a family of worriers and anxious people. My neural pathways always lead me to a dead end - literally. I catastrophize and imagine the worst outcome. For years I've been able to rationalize and talk myself out of useless, time consuming and energy wasting internal struggles with often imagined worrisome scenarios, but now that words are burdensome and my energy is dwindled, I can't. 
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