July 18, 2016 by Katia
13 Aggressive Household Items and Their Problem
- Doormats and indoor doorway rugs – Nothing says “Welcome” like a doormat that says “Welcome” as it trips you. Inferiority complex.
- Mirrors – Gloaters hiding behind the ideological façade of “I tell it like it is”. Assholes.
- Table corners – The Trumps of the furniture world. Common Bullies lacking knowledge of foreign policy and American internal affairs.
- Canned beans, spaghetti containers, tomato paste – These special snowflakes are so much better than everyone else on the shelf they’d rather make a total spectacle of themselves and jump than share their tightly-packed space with less refined products, even if it does cost you your toe. Sociopaths.
- Fire alarm –Attention seeker, the boy who cried wolf, incapable of distinguishing between appearance and reality. Trippin’.
- Those little rails that the wheels on your drawer slide onto – Terrible teamwork skills, giver-uppers, zero f***s to give about your toes, time or anything that matters. Evil.
- Possessed musical toys – Lack of respect for your basic well-being and values such as personal audio-space, timing or cardio health. TBD upon meeting with exorcist.
- Wall mount shower heads – As a mother there are enough areas in my life that I have no control over. Why would I want high velocity water to fly at me, as I once again do all the work myself: twist, turn and extend different body parts in order to meet it? Control freak.
- Toilets – I don’t trust anyone who can be summarized by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow thus: “when she was good she was very very good, but when she was bad she was horrid.” – Moody and unpredictable. Possibly a Gemini.
- Wooden Blue Toddler Step Stools from Target – Table corners on speed. Tauntingly alternate between The Bump and The Trip. Commitment issues.
- Marble Counters and window ledges – Human-head traps with hierarchic views, constantly trying to show you who’s boss. Too much time on their hands.
- CD Rack – An anachronistic display of some of the most shameful facts about you. Judas.
- House plants – They won’t say anything to your face but they’ll let you know how miserable they are by shedding golden brown crispy leaves everywhere. Also known to mark their territory in the traditional way and by leaving dirt marks. Very passive-aggressive and manipulative.
Do your household items ever gang up against you or is it just me?