Category Archives: Sometimes I’m deep

  1. Placing Yourself Outside of Your Comfort Zone – My Experience as a Stage Presenter at BlogHer 17

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    July 21, 2017 by Katia

    Exactly three weeks ago on Friday I stood on stage in front of a large audience, reading something quite personal …
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  2. Scarred

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    June 4, 2017 by Katia

    Once when I was eight or nine years old a hand grenade was thrown on the bus that I was …
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  3. Letting Go of Jenn

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    March 16, 2017 by Katia

    There are certain recurring dates that I encounter at different corners of my life through same-day birthdays, anniversaries and less …
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  4. You Know What an Accent Means?

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    February 2, 2017 by Katia

    “You know what an accent is, don’t you? It’s a sign of bravery” a friend chimed in on a Facebook …
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  5. The Struggle is Gift (and other things I wish I could tell my younger self)

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    December 6, 2016 by Katia

    Hey, you. Remember being twelve years-old and having wise thoughts? Somehow traveling outside of your country for the first time, …
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  6. Seven Love Stories in Seven Days – #7 All the Little Things

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    September 26, 2016 by Katia

    All the little things. A week flies by, crawling as it does so, and you’ve already forgotten about the apple …
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  7. Seven Love Stories in Seven Days – #6: Museums

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    September 25, 2016 by Katia

    I rarely experience museums the same way anymore. At best they’re a promise that never quite gets fulfilled. Mostly we …
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Between 2014-2015:

BlogHer '13 Voices of the Year Community Keynote Honoree
Scary Mommy
The Epistolarians

Books:

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What makes a happy new year? 
This is my story, but I suspect, it might also be yours. 
Lately I haven't been writing much. Forget writing, I can't even produce an entertaining Facebook update. Why? Because selecting the right words requires an effort and I don't have any effs (for effort) left to give. First I stopped posting to my blog, then my blog's Facebook page and eventually my own Facebook profile. I'm making an effort but I find it draining. Who knew that posting funny updates on your profile is not so easy? 
Nothing dramatic is going on in my life. Work's been extra busy with some newly added responsibilities and stress, bedtimes are still long-ish and my sleep is still often interrupted, but it's not nearly as often as before. My "me time" is limited and starts late. The emotional energy I invest in my work, the nature of my sleep and the limited time I spend on myself leave me with little energy to spare. Any energy I have left and then some is invested in my kids.

My kids, whom you all know I adore and admire, are daring, often reckless and very young and inexperienced. Sometimes I'm surprised at the extent of their lack of caution and I'm always, always disproportionately worried. I know that because I'm unlike the other mothers around me. I come from a family of worriers and anxious people. My neural pathways always lead me to a dead end - literally. I catastrophize and imagine the worst outcome. For years I've been able to rationalize and talk myself out of useless, time consuming and energy wasting internal struggles with often imagined worrisome scenarios, but now that words are burdensome and my energy is dwindled, I can't. 
I'm entering this new year happier and more optimistic than I've been in awhile. Yesterday I went to see my doctor. After a lot of internal turmoil and thoughts about cancelling my appointment I came in and blurted out: I think I'm suffering from some form of anxiety. His very calm and matter of fact-ish reaction ("like everyone else in the 21st century") wasn't dismissive, but reassuring. Self care sometimes means looking deeper. 
I wish everyone a happy new year of good mental health. It's the basis for everything.
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