Midlife Thrivis

8

February 17, 2023 by Katia

You know that thing when you’re doing something you really love and it feels like your calling, your forever, your meditation, prayer, introspection, question and answer all in one and then you stop because life takes over?

That happened.

For the last 6 years I’ve dedicated myself to my full time job. In this job I was able to do a lot of good, but at the same time I feel deeply, every day, to my very core that this is not for me. Worse yet – this is not ME. Lately the atmosphere at work has shifted and I feel myself, even more acutely, drifting away.

It’s been hard for me to write. To be completely honest with you, most of the time I didn’t even feel the need. My energy and emotional resources were just sufficient to deal with the well-being and anxieties of loved ones, let alone my own, the challenges of the pandemic and the expectations at work. That was not conducive to inspiration. Forget inspiration, it was not conducive to even some plain ol’ “sit your ass down, start writing and see what comes out”. No, it lent itself so much better to exploring the beauty of streaming services.

In this blog I wrote a lot about my babushka and her sister, Ninulya. Losing them within the span of 3 weeks back in 2015 led me towards spiritual learning and discovery. I’ve been reading, watching, practicing.

Throughout this time, or some of this time – as this, too, required inspiration, I’ve kept my Instagram profile active, often switching names, trying on different identities, striking rocks against one another to create a spark. The spark may have been there, but it never turned into an actual flame. Until just now.

As part of reading about the soul and what nourishes it I’ve been thinking a lot about my love for fashion. I came up with this:

There is something about being in the presence of clothes and books that ignites that elevated excitement in me and what is that sense if not inspiration? I’ve been trying to be more attentive to what evokes joy in my soul. Even if it’s “just” an article of clothing. Why am I drawn to a shapeless pair of denim with hand-painted flames that goes against any sense of aesthetic instilled in me? Because something about them is me and wearing them makes me feel closer to myself. A sensation I so lack in some other aspects of my life.

One night I was lying in bed, thoughts swirling in me, and I suspect around me, like Hokusai waves, but waves are scary, whereas these thoughts washed me with excitement: flame jeans, big bulky Converse Run Star Motion, midlife crisis? No! Happiness, connection to self.

And then, for the first time in years, I wrote a sentence in my head:

What if it’s not a “midlife crisis” but your soul awakening, urgently reminding you to do/see/wear/be what you want?

And on the next day I wrote:

What if midlife brings an urgency, an awareness to reach for what you love and feed your soul with what it craves before it’s too late?

Then it’s not midlife crisis but midlife thrivis.

And that is my newest identity on Instagram.