TV’s Top Ten Worst Husbands
46June 13, 2014 by Katia
Dear Dad,
What did you do to piss your wife off today? Did you creatively feed your queasy vegetable-hating stomach-fluey offspring pancakes with maple syrup and cucumbers? Encourage your five-year-old to try skydiving as soon as he gets a chance? Or did you go more old school with a wet towel on the floor? Maybe you’re more of a toilet-seat-up-cliché kind of guy?
Whatever it was, you’re doing OK, dad.
No matter what you’ve done, this list of TV’s Top 10 Worst Husbands will make your wife instantly want to kiss the ground under your wet towel, or plant a big wet one on you the next time the house trembles as you LOUDLY blow your nose TWO FREAKIN’ MINUTES after the baby finally falls asleep.
Prepare to be underwhelmed.
1. Walt White on Breaking Bad – Liar, Liar Pants on Fire
Because there is no excuse for that look. That is all.
2. Hank Moody on Californication – OK, What the Hell, I’ve Got 10 Minutes
Oh, David. I mean Hank. I mean David. A Poet who has an on again off again marriage with a gorgeous blond, checks into rehab and I haven’t even started talking about that writer character he plays. Hank Moody, like Walt White has been known to wear his underwear publicly, but I’m not here to sing his praises.
3. Ross Geller on Friends – Paleontologist. Geek. We were on A BREAK!
Ross Geller is the Kim Kardashian of the 90’s. If you’re walking down an aisle with him, know that it’ll all be over in 72 days. Make it hours. Unless you’re Rachel and usually even if you are.
4. Scott Disick on Keeping Up With the Kardashians – Oh, Lord.
Scott Disick is the Scott Disick of the 2010’s which is a big problem. The good thing about him is that if you have eyes you won’t make that mistake. Oh wait, never mind.
5. Frank Underwood on House of Cards -Never Trust a Man Whose Initials are F.U.
No thanks. I’m not taking on any new sleep loathers. Maxed out.
6. Dexter on Dexter – Serial Killer. Nice Guy.
Because the person most likely to murder you is your spouse. I don’t like my odds here.
7. Peter Griffin on Family Guy – DUH
Self explanatory.
8. Entire Male cast of Mad Men – We Can Stop Anytime
Because who wants to marry their father, unless he’s Roger Sterling.
9. Kody Brown on Sister Wives – Sister Wife Hoarder
Because I wasn’t looking to marry into a wife. Or four.
10. The Bachelor (Every single one) – Will You Accept This Illusion?
Not marriage material. May mean well but doesn’t realize marriage is not about swooping your girl up in a helicopter but about angry nose blowing. Also, might only be there to promote own winery.
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Who’d I miss? Who would make YOUR list of the Worst TV Husbands?
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This post is a Finish The Sentence Friday post on the topic “Dear Dad…”.
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Stephanie at Mommy, For Real
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iamthemilk 
Nose blowing. Kissing the ground beneath the wet towel. I don’t know if when I meet you I should hug you or just give you a high five for those lines.
😀 😀 😀 let’s do both. And an exploding fist bump.
Great list and was thinking that Al Bundy would be on this list (at least he is on mine). But seriously made me smiling knowing now of these guys were my father or my husband either 🙂
I know, I was actually thinking of Al Bundy when I wrote the original post. Can’t remember why I decided to leave him out 🙂 Thanks, Janine!
beautiful post! compliments! have a good weekend!
Simi
Thank you, same to you! 🙂
I often think about the cast of Mad Men and feel sorry for my grandmother, who married during this era of sexism and rampant alcoholism.
I kind of feel like some of the dads of my generation (cause I’m like a year older than you…) are sadly representatives of that sort of father/husband figure. At least partially.
Great list! Have to say that I am inexplicably torn between liking and loathing Scott Disick!
It is inexplicable but original and I always applaud originality ;-D
All true and the Mad Men especially made me laugh. ALL OF THEM!
I know. I liked that Mad Men one too. They definitely DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM.
I don’t watch TV enough, but Peter Griffin I’d probably would have handled like this…
HAHA! That is awesome!
Bwahaha! Well played, my friend, well played… I will refrain from exposing my loserhood by telling you how few of those shows I have seen… (hiding face)
It’s me who should hide, Steph. You’ve been reading books! 🙂 xo
Wow! So true and crazy when you put it together like that. I only know half of these by name but the ones I’ve watched, I can certainly agree. How about Al Bundy? And Homer Simpson? I love how you included Ross Geller. I swear even when he had a kid with Rachael you never saw those kids around.
😀 I know, kids in TV shows behave very differently, don’t they?
I’d have to add The Governor from The Walking Dead. Heads in fish tanks? Creepy!
Oh, my original list had that piece of shit from The Walking Dead who beat up on his wife, Carol. It also had Dale but I removed it because I thought the joke I made was a little offensive. The Governor is disgusting and deserves to be on this list. Why did I not think of him. GAH.
I forgot about Carol’s husband. I was glad when he was attacked by a walker. Is that bad to say?
No, some people just have it coming. 🙂
I’m thinking maybe Tony Soprano would make your list. Crook, serial killer, unfaithful.
Check, check, aaaand check.
He should. I have never seen him in action, though 🙂
You crack me up, Katia! Although, in his defense, Dexter was a pretty good husband before he got Rita killed through his serial killer nemesis and all that. Too funny. Had to laugh about not trusting somebody with the initials FU. 🙂
I know, I’m not really opposed to the idea of Dexter as a husband. Most of the time. I was just trying to be socially acceptable.
I loved “sister wife hoarder.” He can cross disciplines w his reality show identity! I disagree about Dexter though. As his wife I’d be his “beard” to cover up him being a monster. He’d treat me like a queen. And you know he can clean up a mess. 😉
Great. Point. You are smart, lady.
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Laughing! Katia, you are hilarious. I love this.
😀 Yay, glad I made you laugh!
What a great take on this prompt. Funny and so very true. I’d have to add Al Bundy to the list…who wants a dad that sits around with his hand in his pants and boasts about his toilet habits. Perhaps some would say Phil from Modern Family because he is such a dork!…I however love him 🙂
I LOVE Phil too! He is adorkable. Just the kind of dad I imagine myself to be, had I been someone’s dad! 🙂 Thanks, friend!
Adorkable! I love that.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Absolutely love your take on this. Thank you. It is one hell of a refreshing read. And yes, with you on the “Entire Male Cast of Mad Men.”
Thank you, my friend! Just read your post and commented and so sorry, but glad you got a laugh out of mine! 🙂
Ha! Al Bundy was a nightmare, but he was so well suited to his wife that, in a way, he was perfect. Actually, that’s true of Frank Underwood, too…hmmm. With you on the Mad Men men, though – Oy – I’m not a good enough housekeeper to deal with that mess.
ugh, I’ve seen enough of these shows to wholeheartedly agree! Donald Draper, absolutely. Walter White, HELL NO. I’m a bit intrigued by Frank Underwood, not gonna lie, but he kills people/sleeps with men so probably not the best husband material.
I binge watched like 4 episodes of Sister Wives about two years ago and I think I’m still shaking off the dust of that depression.
I’ve only watched a few of these shows, but I agree with the ones I know. I’d add Jack Bauer from 24, because his job got his wife killed, which pretty much sucked.
Robert Baratheon from Game of Thrones was such a bad husband he didn’t even notice that his wife was cheating with her own brother,,, there’s always a sign.
😀 HAHA! True, Game of Thrones should definitely have had better representation in the post.
Archie Bunker didn’t make the list?
😀 You’re so right. Terrible oversight.
Fitz from Scandal. Worst. Husband. Ever.
I mean, his wife literally has to call his mistress to come and console him everytime he goes into his “woe is me” act. And then, as soon as he feels better, he disrespects his poor wife and plots to ride off into the sunset with his mistress, all while he should be running the country given that he’s the president of the United States and all. SMH.
Do you know, that I haven’t. Watched. Scandal. Yet?!
Scandalous, I know, but I can’t wait to rant about Fitz… Can’t stand “woe is me’s” especially if they’re presidents 🙂