Dear Mom Unintentionally Consoling Me For Having Boys. Thank You, But I’m OK.
94May 8, 2014 by Katia
Since giving birth to my first son, Five Year Old, I couldn’t help but notice the diplomatically suppressed glimmer of hope in the eyes of friends, random acquaintances and people I’d met on the bus whenever our so-what-do-you-have conversation died down and they surmised: well, the next one will be a girl then! The funny thing is that I wasn’t looking for reassurance. I didn’t feel like there had to be a girl in order for me to feel happy. Or maybe accomplished or fulfilled was the adjective they had in mind. I wasn’t just totally fine, I was head over heels and in no need whatsoever of consolation. I knew, of course, that they were driven by pure kindness, wishing upon me what had felt to them like the greatest possible joy to be experienced in this life and I was touched.
And then I went ahead and got pregnant again and now I had not one but two of those and it became evident and even harder for various well-wishers to ignore the fact that I’m STILL not having any girls. A hint of doubt made its way into the now more definitive “next one’s a girl!” statements. I STILL couldn’t see what was so wrong with my current situation but smiled and politely agreed.
Don’t ask me how, but from very early on I knew I would have two boys. As strange as it may sound coming from someone who took great pleasure in some “by the book” girlie activities such as shopping, conducting in depth research of Vogue magazines and giving my Barbies makeovers right before throwing them off an imaginary cliff in a purely girlish dramatic gesture, I never fantasized about having a girl. No, there was no fantasizing, dreaming or indulging in “what ifs” neither before nor after having my sons.
Please believe me when I say this, it’s not that I’m ANTI girls. I adore children and they generally love me back. I would have been just as happy and fulfilled as a mother of girls, it’s just that I don’t feel robbed.
Yet recently I’ve had some – what exactly do I call them? – moments. Feels evoked by a floral gift bag and a pale pink strawberry patterned raincoat.
I noticed her last week in the far corner of the school yard. A tornado of five year old boys, including my own, had just raged through the area leaving a couple of unnoticed preschool victims behind. One of them was her. Standing there in a pale pink strawberry patterned raincoat, with her friend but alone, crying silent tears, clutching her matching strawberry print umbrella. I walked up to her and asked what was wrong. She lifted her heart shaped face, tears streaming from the corners of her eyes and said a reallylongsentencewhichwasn’tpunctuatedwithanycommasandwaskindofhardtofollow.
I told her to come and sit on the bench with me.
The boys bumped into her and knocked her off her feet. She fell and scraped her knee. Her friend knows there are band aids in the classrooms. They both understand that they should tell their teacher what had happened so she can put a band aid on the bruise the little girl is now pointing at. It’s hidden behind a pair of thick white wool stockings with hearts of all colours of the rainbow.
And I am feeling that familiar warmth.
Heart squeeze. I’m too old. I’ll never sleep again. What if?
Exactly one year ago, I read a beautiful post by a mother of three boys, Emily at Oh Boy, Mom. One sentence haunts me still: I don’t want a girl, I want a daughter. Much like myself Emily spoke of being completely happy and fulfilled as an all boy mom. She never dreamed of a different outcome but she too had a moment. Hers was represented by wishing for someone who would brush her hair. Mine was the fragility that is a little girl in a strawberry patterned raincoat and a matching umbrella and it was her who had set me off on a brief Sliding Doors type trail of thought.
Would I have been a different parent as an all girl mom? Would I have been better, more patient had I not dedicated such huge portions of my day to exploring the verbs: chase, catch, stop, prevent, save? Maybe, but then I wouldn’t have gotten to see my five-year-old’s shy smile when we were playing Dungeons and Dragons tonight and I was the thief who asked for his identity. The shyness in his smile which is there to mask another emotion, a more shameful one perhaps, pride. Pride in the fact that he is actually a brave Jedi on his way to rescue a princess from the evil king Morgadon as I’m about to discover in a second when he will tell me “I’m. A Jedi.” and avert his eyes.
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This post is a Finish The Sentence Friday post on the topic “Dear Mom…”.
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iamthemilk 
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I have five children. Two of them are girls and three are boys. While I love my girls, I much prefer parenting my sons.
Do you find it easier parenting your sons? I’m really curious what it’s like parenting girls vs. boys? 🙂
I prefer to parent boys. I love that they get over things a lot more quickly. Girls tend to brood, but my daughters are my best friends.
Yes, that was the main difference I could think of as a brooder and dweller myself 🙂
Oh I love this post, Katia! I’m a boy mom, always knew I would be, and don’t feel robbed even the tinest bit. After my 2nd was born, I always got the question, “you gonna try for a girl?”
Uh. No.
I’d always answer, “If I try again, it’ll be because I’ve decided to have 3 children. Not becsuse of a need for a girl.”
I know! As a mom I find this formula “try for a girl” very surprising every time I hear it, but I feel like I may have asked this myself a couple of times out of sheer curiosity. Hey, maybe that’s why people do this and not because they think there’s something wrong with boys??? 🙂
You really made me think twice. First, me too I always knew I would have two daughters; and I do 🙂 but me too I chase, catch and stop.. And sometimes I need more patients 🙂 second you made me realize that I should excuse some of my friends that have only boys ,because I used to feel sorry for them
I’m sorry.. And honestly deep inside I wish my third would be a boy 🙂
Thank you so much for your comment. As I was writing this I knew it’s a mistake to define: chase, catch, stop, prevent as verbs that are only applicable to boys. I completely realize that all of this applies to girls too. I didn’t make it clear that I was referring more to the frequency in which I have to do this 🙂 Also, thank you for your kind comment. I don’t know about your friends, perhaps they always wanted a girl? 😛
How I loved this…and not just because you mentioned my post (thank you for that!). I recognize that moment well, of seeing a little girl and wondering what my life would have been like if I had one or more daughters instead of all sons. For me, it’s more of a curiosity than a yearning at this point. What I’ve discovered as my boys have gotten older is that I am a mother to three very distinct personalities…whether they are boys or girls makes no difference to me and is what makes this “ride” of parenthood so unique for each of us. There’s no guarantee that a daughter would have helped me replicate the type of relationship I so cherished with my own mother, just like there’s no guarantee for a father who may desperately want his son to be an athlete or a drummer. Genders are just that – a label. But what truly counts is what is lying underneath…enjoy those boys & happy mother’s day!
Oh my goodness, how perfectly put. That’s just a post on its own right there and this is exactly what I was thinking but failed to put so perfectly into words. I love being a parent to two different personalities and am slightly curios to see what kind of a personality a third attempt would generate. Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I was going to let you know I’d be referring to your post but you beat me to it! Happy Mother’s Day, Emily!
This was great! My oldest is a girl, and when I was pregnant with my second, I was secretly hoping for another girl (we decided not to find out). I was used to princesses and tea parties…what would I do with a boy? I didn’t know anything about trucks, or football, or whatever it is boys do. Well, now that I have a son I am deeply, madly in love, and I guess I’ll learn about trucks or whatever he’s into. But I’m not watching football. That’s where I draw the line!
You fall in love with them, don’t you? So much so that you’re open to talking trucks. I draw the line at bugs.
Haha, people can be just plain rude. My mom had four girls and people would always tell my dad, “Do you wish you had a boy.” What did they really want him to say, “Oh yes, I would definitely trade in daughter #3 for a boy!” 🙂 Adorable boys you have, you will have two pretty daughter in laws in no time with those big eyes and sweet smile.
That’s sweet, thank you so much and the comment about trading in daughter #3 – priceless! I laughed out loud! 😀
Please please please read my “I didn’t want a girl” post. I have three boys and I can relate on so many levels with this piece. Great read!
Yes, yes, yes I’d love to! 🙂
5 is home sick today, so it may take a while but I look forward to reading it. And thanks for mentioning it!
No rush, I just can’t articulate in a reply how much I can relate to your beautifully worded piece, so I am directing you to a post I wrote directly from my heart on the subject of mothering a particular gender. Again, what a really great piece. You highlighted the predicament so many of us find ourselves in. If we have girls we are expected to have wanted boys, if boys, then it must have been girls we were after. At the end of the day, the assumption in this life is that we must all inherently want, what we don’t have. The key to overcoming that has got to be in learning, through posts like these, to appreciate what we do. All the Best~ Julie
Perfectly put! Thoughtful and deep and I can’t wait to read your post. Sorry for the delay, we went through a round of sicknesses and the bottle finally landed on me… 🙂
Wow. Really? You get asked if you’re going to try for a girl? I am mom to both a boy and a girl and the concept of trying for a certain sex is really beyond me.
Noticed your query earlier about the differences in parenting boys and girls. In my case my daughter is like me. She tends to worry and ulcerate over minutiae. My son tends to let things roll off his back. His anger is done in a poof! while my daughter’s lingers.
I love your comment about the concept of “trying for a certain sex”. Kind of futile I would think, right?
I know we talked about this before, it sounds like my older son is like your daughter (and me. And you) a worrier, a taker-on-er of responsibility and burden. I would love for him to be more like your son. Bless both your kids, they sound wonderful. 🙂
It’s the opposite with me. When my family found out I was having a boy, they all said “good!” Now, what the heck is that supposed to mean?
😀 HAHA! I don’t know but I would probably be pissed off too. Damned if you will, damned if you don’t kind of situation. I guess that’s our parents historical role, to always screw up no matter what! 😛
This post really resonated with me. I first had two little boys. So dear and perfect. When I found out the gender of my second son at 16 weeks, I was thrilled. Having experienced devastating pregnancy losses, I’d just prayed for a healthy baby, irrespective of its sex. I was happy for my first son that he was going to have a brother, and for my husband to have two little boys to play soccer with. I was totally content and fulfilled. When I visited the chiropractor late in my pregnancy she asked my baby’s sex and I told her excitedly “We’re having another boy!!”. She replied “Oh, what a shame. I’m sorry.” WTF? Now I do have a daughter, and she’s everything I dreamed of, just like my boys are. I love being a parent. Love it. But the comments haven’t stopped: “Oh, you finally got it right”, one stranger said as she pointed to my pink pram. WTF????? No, I got it right every time, luckily for me. People always have to comment. It never ends.
OMG, WTF indeed? I’ve never heard anything that harsh, thankfully. That’s just, wow… Speechless.
I can completely relate to the way you felt upon finding out your baby’s gender. I had experienced miscarriage after a year of failed fertility treatments right before my successful second pregnancy. I was hoping for a boy and when the ultrasound technician confirmed, well “hinted” to me that it was, I started laughing with joy! 🙂
You are completely right in saying whatever we get is right. There is no such thing as “not getting it right”.
Hahaha! Trade #3! We should do that in my family! 😉
Same here, we are three girls and my parents had to hear over and over again the joke about how he couldn’t make boys! Funny enough my father’s BROTHERS don’t seem to be better than him at “making” boys, all “girl-cousins”! Anyway, I have now a girl myself (surprise?!) and if I’m lucky enough to have another little one (trying to convince B here), I will love learning whatever it is I have to…. They teach you so much, these little persons!!
They definitely do and it’s all about that, right? The lesson. In Judaism we have a term called “tikkun”, correction. I think it’s a Kabbalistic term, actually, and it implies that we each have our one defining challenge and we are put on this earth to face and correct it through learning, observing other people around us etc. Don’t know why I got so philosophical, but your comment made me think of that 🙂
I loved reading this post – as a soon-to-be new mother of a little boy, I was actually hoping for a boy because I didn’t grow up with barbies or a pink room or playing afternoon tea, and I actually felt like I’d be able to be a better mom to a little boy, at least the first time around. Interesting that some people would think having a boy and not a girl would be something that begs consolation!
Aw, congratulations, Jeni! How exciting!!! I never had anything pink in my room, but I was definitely addicted to Barbies, but come to think of it, I had trains (well, A train), I remember playing ball a lot and the Greek Mythology, not The Little Mermaid, was my preferred bedtime reading. 🙂 All the best to you and your little boy on the way!
I identified with this, Katia. AndIlovedyoursentencewithnopunctuationthattriestoincludeeverytingbeforeakidsburstsintotears.
When I was pregnant with baby number three, I was assailed by the baby girl do gooders, too. When baby three appeared, the third boy we expected was a girl…Who resolutely hated anything pink, anything with ponies and anything with sparkles on it. And still does. Hurrah for big brothers.
HA! That’s awesome, hurrah to little pink hater! Of course, it would have been totally okay if she loved pink, it’s just wonderful and so fascinating always to see manifestations of “own-ness” in your kids, isn’t it? And I loved yourreallylongsentence which yes, exactly, that’s what I was trying to do there. 🙂 xo
I can so relate! My first born is a boy and it was 6 years before I got pregnant again. Friends and family would always say “When are you going to have a girl?” like I have a say on the gender! What’s wrong with having just a boy? Well my second baby is a girl and that seemed to have satisfied them. But they are now telling me to stop having babies because everything is balanced. Whut?! Tsk.
HAHA! That’s awesome! Yes, there’s no end to helpful advice, is there? 😉 I know, isn’t it amazing how according to some people all you have to do to become pregnant with a girl is to be made aware (by them) that you HAVEN’T??? 😛
haha love it. I never thought about it before but this probably is common for parents of all boys. I have just one girl so far and she’s a breeze but its not because she is a girl. It’s because we just got lucky. There are fun parts of parenting either 🙂
I know, I agree with you, it’s all personality, not gender related. On a personal note, I’m really glad I didn’t piss off any girl parents so far. 🙂
I love boys! I don’t have any kids (yet!) but I am very much hoping to have boys one day.
I was the only girl in a family of 5 boys until I was 11. Each time a new baby arrived I hoped it would be a girl, but was just as happy when it wasn’t. My sister was born when I was 11 and I was thrilled. I went crazy sewing pink clothes and decorating a room for her. She was followed by 2 more girls. My mum says she found the recipe 🙂
I think having mainly boys followed by girls was a really good thing. Since we were mostly boys anyway, there was no distinction between what girls do and what boys do. It was just stuff we did. One of my best memories is playing Barbies with my younger brother. We all sewed, knitted and dressed up as whatever we wanted.
We actually had more dolls in the house when there were mostly boys than when we had 4 girls!
I LOVE that there’s no clear distinction between girl and “boy appropriate” games and toys. This sounds like such a wonderful way to be raised. My older son started dividing things into girl and boy appropriate categories lately. He’s been really confused over the fact that I did not answer his question on whether I loved princesses with a yes. He is trying to define things in his head based on what he notices around him and of course he sees a lot more girls playing with princess-themed toys than boys. I think these distinctions are so random, arbitrary and confining. I love reading about your family. As an only child I’m also super jealous. In a good way 🙂
I can definitely relate to this post! While I only have one son and he is only 15 months, I love having a boy! When I was pregnant, our families guessed [and hoped] the whole time baby would be a girl, and I too could hear the sounds of sympathy in their voices when finding out we were having a boy. But we were overjoyed! I grew up wanting girls. I only have a sister & had only been around nieces. Girls are familiar to me. I wanted a boy, but too many times I questioned what I would do with a boy!
I’ve had some of those “moments” recently. It’s usually when I see my friends’ daughters copying them & the things they do. Will my son do that at some point, or because I’m a girl & dad’s a boy, will he get all the copying?! Thinking that my son might not want to bake with me during the holidays or do little crafts with me when he’s a little older makes me sad. But his active, curious self reassures me that he might like to run around outside, play sports & be a superhero! Boys are awesome & I too am okay with being a boy mom! 🙂
Oh, thank you so much for this lovely lovely comment! I think I can reassure you that you will see yourself in your son much more than you expect. My older one bakes with me. I’m terrible at crafts but I do them occasionally only because he wants to! I see a lot of my behaviours and thought patterns in him. Sometimes it’s gratifying, sometimes terrifying 🙂 I suppose it’s human nature to always wonder “what if” but I think you will find that the scale always balances toward the great satisfaction that is your little boy as opposed to the “what if” of having someone else. 🙂
Thanks for your reply! That makes me feel better! My husband and I always see little things he does & point out “oh he gets that from me for sure” or “He’s totally like you when…” I can’t wait to see what the future holds & what he grows into! And love him the whole way no matter how he is! 🙂
I have three boys, on girl. I love my daughter so =very much and was desperate for a girl, because I lost my mom when I was young. My three boys combined (one of whom has autism) are a walk in the park, compared to missy’s DRAMA!
🙂 I so understand the desire to recreate the relationship/dynamic you had with your mother. I was always VERY close to mine and this is the only aspect of not having a girl that tugs at my heart. The inability to create a replica of that relationship. Missy Drama will grow up and hopefully some of the drama diminishes. I’ve seen that happen a lot.
I am always so grateful to readers who open up and share such personal experiences. Thank you so much!
I have two daughters, and I often wonder what life would have been like if we had had a boy ;).
I know, it’s fascinating to speculate like that. I just recently started wondering about whether I’d be different as a parent.
Hi Katia – as I was reading your post I thought to myself that they only reason I would have ever wished for a daughter was to hopefully recreate the relationship that my mom and I have. But that might not have been the case. It might have been very disappointing and it might have been very stressful. God know best. I have a little boy who reminds me very much of my little brother and I know what do with those – just go with the flow. Of course we’re still light years away from him getting married but I’ll be crossing fingers for a like a daughter – daughter in law 😉
So perfectly put, Kenya. Yes, this would have been the reason I would have wanted a little girl, to create replica of my relationship with my mother, but yes, I too believe that God knows best. Thank you so much for such a thoughtful comment!
Oh, Katia! I love this so much. I’m on the flip side as the mom of three girls. For a few years after our third was born, I was frequently asked if we were planning to “try one more time” for a boy. I just wanted to shout, “Why??? What’s wrong with my girls??” Honestly, though, I did have a moment of realization at one point that I would never have a son and that was tough to swallow – briefly. I never pictured myself a as a girl mom, but now, I can’t imagine it any other way.
I can so relate to what you’re saying. I think anything irreversible and so definitive is always hard to swallow. I think that in those brief moments that’s what is hard for me, the knowledge that “I will never…”.
It’s fascinating how we casually give weight to things that are so not important. I wonder if people really believe these things or if it’s just something to say for small talk, like the idea that one of each is the ideal. When I was in my early twenties I thought I’d want a boy because I had trepidation about the mother-daughter relationship, but when I got pregnant I wished for a girl because I thought I could relate more. And I did have a girl. But I notice I have a visceral thrill when she acts more “boy-like,” whatever that means. In any case, I will stand back and let her be her, whether that’s a princess, Spider-Man, or a dragon.
Exactly. I don’t think there’s any evil premeditation to it, just desire to make small talk, and I feel like I may have done that myself once or twice, it’s just that being on the receiving end feels, well, weird. I love how your girl combines everything you’ve wanted. I feel the same way about my older one (while my younger one fills me with pure ecstasy it’s hard to talk about personality traits as yet. Being as boyish as he is, he has the emotional intelligence I was wishing for and thought would be more likely to exist in a girl. 🙂
Before I was pregnant, I really hoped for a girl. Once I got pregnant, I knew it was a boy and I was so happy that it was a boy. Sure, it’d be great for my son to have a brother OR a sister, but that’s not very likely to happen. I love this, Katia and can just picture the adorable little girl on the playground. And the ending to this piece was priceless and beautiful. ❤
Thank you, my friend! The little girl was just a breathtaking sight and really tugged at my heart. So did that expression on my son’s face. I knew you’d understand 🙂
I’ve got to show this to my sister, who has a boy… 🙂
Oh, please do! I wonder if she’s getting any of those comments!
I would love to have 2-3 boys! I came from a family of all girls and wow, I am scared to have any more girls; between me and my two sisters, I’m shocked my parents are still functional.
I have one little girl now and I know that in about 10 years, I will have to deal with the nightmare of having a teenage girl! EKK! You are lucky lady, boys the best 🙂
😀 Oh, I don’t know. You might have a Rory Gilmore on your hands who just wants to read books and doesn’t go through any rebellion. I didn’t. 🙂
I have two boys as well. It would be nice to have a daughter, but there is no way that I would want to give up anything about Da Boyz! BTW, your boy looks adorable in his picture!
It would be nice to have a daughter but not instead, I agree 🙂 And thank you, I happen to think he looks adorable too…
I absolutely loved this, for two reasons. Firstly, with two boys, I also get the odd comment along the lines of “don’t you wish you could have had a girl” – and they are always firmly sent away with a flea in their ear! I am so, so, SO happy with my boys – I think I was meant to be a boy’s mum. I don’t know how I would handle histrionic hormones, or bitchiness (both of which I am sure would come). Secondly, your post made me cry. I wasn’t expecting that! I got half way through, nodding my head in agreement, pumping my arm in proud boy mama style, until I got to the bit about you having a moment. It is bittersweet, isn’t it? Wondering what a daughter would be like – putting her hair in pigtails, precious gentle hugs, and tiny little feet. I love pink, and I do grumble quite often about yet more blue clothes in the shop, when I am desperate for prettiness! Thanks for this post, and for the chance for a little reflection – and your little man is quite the heart-stopper, too!
Oh, did I make you cry? Wow! Thank you. I kind of felt a lump in my throat myself when I was thinking of the little girl and her vulnerability. I can relate to attire-related grumbling. I think that one of the things I even said to the little girl to distract her was how much I liked her raincoat and (if you can believe this) how frustrated I was that I can never find any cute stuff in the stores for my sons… 😛
Gorgeous. Your depiction of the little girl in the raincoat was perfection, and I felt the little ache along with you, though I am the mom of two girls. I feel it when I see a little boy in my music class kiss his mom on the cheek and I wonder what it would be like to experience the love of a little boy. We have tossed around having a third child (FYI- today I have landed on NO.) and while my husband would almost prefer three girls, I always ponder a little boy. And of course, “well-intentioned” folks always ask me if we will “try for a boy.” Seriously- what is wrong with people?
Thank you, that little girl really really got to me. I know you can probably relate 🙂 I love that you get advice from well-intentioned folk too. There’s no end to helpful advice, is there?
I just had to tell you that I LOVED reading this… As the mom of.. SIX .. yes ..Six sons.. I hear the stupid comments about having a daughter all the time. The fact is, though, that I was absolutely fine with having all boys.. until number six.. By that time little girls seemed to be everywhere.. even playing the sports my boys played. I couldn’t get away from them .. and I just couldn’t believe that I would never have a daughter… It was hard enough to believe that I was going to have a sixth child… let alone another son. It’s been 5.5yrs since my sweet little Luca was born and I can honestly say that I couldn’t imagine it being any other way. You see, he has a brother who is only 13 mos older than him and they are so dependant on each other that they’ve literally only been apart 2 nights in 5.5yrs.. and both if them cried the whole time. I just don’t believe that their bond would be as strong if Luca had been a girl.. So now I’m very happy he was a boy and I’m patiently waiting for my 20+ yr olds to give me granddaughters. 🙂
Six sons. Hello, my new hero. The relationship between Luca and he’s older brother? Deeply deeply touched and briefly considered another baby… That’s a beautiful story and a beautiful success creating six different people. I’m pretty sure we’ll stop at two as I’ve started quite late and had to do fertility treatments but I always wonder about the endless possible combinations we, parents, can produce. 🙂
So interesting, Katia! When I was pregnant with my second, I was really hoping for a girl because I have a sister, and I wanted Abby to have a sister, and I knew all about girls…. and obviously I had a boy. I was a little sad, at first… and nervous. And I had a different reaction — everyone assumed I had wanted a boy since I already had a girl. The comments were like, now you have one of each!!! Your husband must be thrilled!!! {Like he wasn’t thrilled with his daughter??} And I felt like I was getting a mismatched set…. Though now I cannot imagine anything different. Lovely and thoughtful post!
It’s so so so incredibly interesting to me to learn about the array of emotions that other parents experience. It’s endlessly fascinating and cool to learn about the “behind the scenes” of what seems like such a perfect combination on the outside!
Awesome!
Thank you! 🙂
Loved this. My first child is a boy, and when I was pregnant with baby 2, the doctor told us we were having another boy. At first I was disappointed, thinking that if I had a girl there would be tea parties, princess dresses and a sea of pink. Then I slapped myself and realized there was no guarantee a girl would like any of those things. So, I grew to love the idea of having a second boy who would pal around with his brother and still be snuggly with me (like there is a guarantee of that either).
In the end, I found out I was indeed having a girl when I was 36 weeks pregnant, thanks to a 3D Ultrasound. And while she does love princesses and pink, she is also obsessed with Pokemon and Ben 10, so you really can’t say what’s going to happen with any kid; you just get to enjoy the ride.
Totally agree. I think it’s very natural and at the same time totally futile, of course, to have expectations and to tie certain attributes with certain genders, but it’s human nature (so many cliches in one sentence, huh?) 🙂 Glad you got a little bit of both in your sweet little girl. She sounds like a keeper! 🙂
She is! She is going to be a delightful handful as she grows up.
My son is almost 2 years old, so I have at least that much parenting experience. I ADORE having a son. Boys love their mamas wholeheartedly. Would I love to have a daughter? Of course! But those teenage years scare me! Sure, she’ll come back around later, but I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that with my son.
I know. It’s funny, everyone says that, but I was such a goody two shoes teenager I didn’t even realize this was a thing until I started hearing others comment about it. 🙂
Oh me too! I was definitely a people pleaser, but I vaguely remember a slight disconnect during those years. But by the time my kids grow up, who knows what this world will be…eek!
I LOVE,LOVE, LOVE this because I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my boy. He’s the light of my life, which was a total surprise because I just assumed I’d have a girl. I know that nagging feelings-the what ifs there was another and the never have beens and I love that you addressed it here. I have never heard of Finish the Sentence Friday or the mom’s you list, but I will seek them out now. Well, maybe tomorrow this Momma’s got to head to bed.
🙂 I love, love, love your comment and so sorry it took me a while to get back to you. Mother’s Day was spent taking care of my two boys since my husband was really sick and now it caught on to me. Finish the Sentence Friday is up every Thursday at 10pm EST, I think. Next week’s sentence is “The nicest thing someone’s ever done for me is…”. You can join the linkup from each of the websites listed in my post, just enter your link and start commenting and getting comments! Look forward to maybe seeing you! 🙂
Beautiful post!
I am the mother of two grown boys, my younger son about to turn thirty.
The best part of being the mother of boys was that it called me out of my comfort zone, by which I mean it asked me to do what was unfamiliar: build cities, shoot hoops, buy boys clothes, learn what it takes to usher boys into manhood. Had I had daughters, I may well have built cities and railroads with them and even shot hoops, and I may have had to deal with dead bugs in jeans pockets and finding condoms in the bathroom trash can as I once did. I’ll never know.
Having had sons and not daughters, I was for many years the lone female in our house. I learned to love and appreciate men in ways I hadn’t imagined.
I COMPLETELY agree with your great observation about parenting the opposite sex as an experience of being called to spend time outside your comfort zone which I always claim brings growth. I feel that “comfort zone clash” on almost a daily basis when we read certain books, play certain games, watch certain shows and have certain conversations. Oh the condoms. This may be a little bit too outside of my comfort zone… 🙂
Holy moly, Katia, this one got me RIGHT HERE. The language you use to describe that “what if” feeling is just dead on. As a mom to a gal, I can assure you that it’s the same way on the flipside. In the same way that you always kind of knew you’d be the mom to two boys, I similarly had this intuitiveness that I’d be a mom to a girl. (Who knows if I’d claim that same intuition if I’d had a boy, but things are the way they are and they ironically sync up with how I’d thought they’d be before giving birth.) But I often wonder what my life would look like if I had a boy too. We’re not planning on having any more kids, and that unintentional consolation that people give you for not having a girl is strikingly similar to the kind of vibe I get when I tell people that we aren’t planning on having more children. I like my life just fine, and I LOVE my family just the way it is. I don’t need anyone to mourn my life for the way it is.
Thank you so much, my darling! There’s so much packed in that comment of yours that I don’t know where to start.
I keep saying that I’m learning so much from other people’s comments. I’ve known it before but I am re-realizing that I’m guilty of committing the same crime I’m criticizing in this post when I’m on emotional auto pilot. I think that since I’ve struggled so much to conceive Daniel my first auto pilot reaction when I meet people with one kid is that they must be going through the same. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m projecting. Thanks so much for commenting, friend!
I have a boy and a girl and while people tell me I have the best of both worlds, I often wonder what their relationship would be like if they were the same sex. My son will never have a little brother to torment and my daughter will never borrow her sister’s clothes but the only way to remedy that would be to have two more kids and I’m too old for that! Maybe 5 kids total would be good so that one feels like the stereotypical middle child. 😉 Happy Mother’s day to you!
I love your rationale for 5 kids. I’d probably be a mom and grandma by the time I’d accomplished such a task. That’s such an interesting observation, though. It totally makes sense and I would probably feel the exact same way you do. I love comments. I honestly learn so much from them! 🙂
Love the post! I’m a mom of two boys and I have never wanted anything else. I really don’t think I would know what to do with a girl. My boys are 14 and 18 and people still ask me if I will have a girl. I’m 47!
It’s funny I’ve felt the same way that I wouldn’t know what to do with a girl, which is kind of funny for a woman, right? I get really flustered when I shop for birthday gifts for my older son’s female classmates and then I just remind myself that I’M A GIRL! 🙂
I have two boys, and I can’t tell you how many times I’m asked, “don’t you want a girl?” It seems that people have forgotten that even if I tried to get pregnant, was able to, carried for nine months, and gave birth, I still don’t get to choose! And, like you, I’m all set!! LOVE being a mommy to boys…
I know, the idea of “intention” is so ridiculous, isn’t it? 😀 Thanks so much for your comment, I really enjoy reading everyone’s input on this post. It’s so interesting to learn about other people’s experiences with this. 🙂
[…] may have read my previous post about being a boy mom. One of the unmentioned benefits to that status is the ability to get […]
My husband is one of five boys. His mother often told me these boys were the fulfillment of all her girlhood dreams of motherhood. And this made me a better daughter-in-law.
That’s such a beautiful comment. I’m sorry it took me so long to respond. 🙂
Great read! I have 4 boys and the comments about the next one being a girl keep coming.
4 boys! Awesome! And oh my goodness, I can just imagine how many comments you get. You should probably walk around wearing earplugs. 🙂
So many feelings come up as I read this! My sister has five boys and I’ve been nanny to SO many boys and I love them all so much. I happened to have had a girl and a very shaky pregnancy and I get the “well, you have to have a second, oh yes, you will” comments all the time, as if there is an assumption that I must have a second and how do I politely express I am happy to have one healthy one after that dreadful pregnancy. I am trying to write more, but I am in the middle of a toddler meltdown! Will finish later, but this was a beautiful essay and I have so much more to say about it! And your boys are so so beautiful! All I can say is, those wistful feelings, I think parents of any gender, and type of child have them about one thing or another at so many times. Even if my child doesn’t like a book I loved as a kid and my heart breaks a bit.
Thank you I read this last night but have been spending a LOT of time with my older guy who had a mild concussion last week, so only able to respond now. I was touched by your comment, thank you so much for your kindness and I’ve honestly learned SO much from reading the comments on this post. It seems like a lot of assumptions are being made as to what “the right” kind of family should look like and these assumptions are obviously based on the eye of the beholder rather than careful observation. Beautiful comment, thank you so very much!
Here’s another thought: if you have a girl, all you hear is “She’ll abandon you when she’s a teenager! Just you wait!” Argh. People make so many assumptions about your child and how you feel about her or him or them based on their gender. It’s tiresome, isn’t it?
True. I’ve heard that one and was like “HUH?”. I was a teenage girl once and had the most wonderful relationship with my mom. And yes, I completely agree, I don’t like it when people use slogans rather than their brain. It is tiresome.